The Five Love Languages... Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Falling in Love

First of all, let me say that when I hear "falling in love" I think about a couple things. I think about "movie love" where there's a music montage full of first kisses and flowers in the park and ball games where you're dressed alike... you know, movie love! I also think about annoying middle schoolers, or high schoolers that act like middle schoolers, or come to find out there's college-aged people that do the same thing- & that's "fall in love" on day one! They're saying "I love you" and posting the date of when they started dating (a week ago) on every Facebook status. They're just so annoying. A month later there's a new date, and a new name, and a new false "I love you" being proclaimed. I really just want to shake some sense into people sometimes! But anyways... ;)

Everyone agrees that being "in love" is the necessary foundation for a good marriage. Now, that, I agree with. {Well, I don't agree with the fact that everyone agrees, but I agree that you're marriage is going to be pretty shotty if going INTO it at least you wouldn't be able to say you were "in love."}

Welcome to the real world of marriage, where hairs are always on the sink and little white spots cover the mirror, where arguments center on which way the tissue paper comes off and whether the lid should be up or down. It is a world where shoes do not walk into the closet and drawers do not close themselves, where coats do not like hangers and socks go AWOL during laundry. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies, and marriage a battlefield. What happened to the "in love" experience? Our problem was faulty information. The bad information was the idea that the "in love" obsession would last forever. We should have known better. 

First, falling in love is not act of the will or a conscious choice. No matter how much we may want to fall in love, we cannot make it happen.

Now...I am not knocking those of you who truly believe you are in love! For some of you, I believe you are too! That is a wonderful thing. Embrace it! The point of this chapter, and something I firmly agree with, is the fact that that feeling will not last forever! There will come a time when you will fight, be hurt, second guess, say things you don't mean, or just simply act selfishly {which is human nature, by the way.} That doesn't mean you give up, or you do not love the person anymore, it just means that that infatuation stage has passed, and it's time for REAL love {so that's a good thing!}

We should recognize the in-love experience for what it is--a temporary emotional high--and now pursue "real love" with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. {Nobody likes an obsessed person.} It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.

 I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. 

That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction--the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the "in love" experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the "in love" experience has run its course.

Now, I can see how you fellow hopeless romantics out there may not like this chapter. Where's the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle of the eye, the electricity of a kiss, the excitement of sex? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in his/her mind? Well that's what the book is all about. Meeting each other's need to feel loved, bringing back that infatuation {maybe back, maybe not} into the relationship, to stay, for good! :) If you keep your love's love tank full, you'll be good to go!!

The Five Love Languages... Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Keeping the Love Tank Full

This chapter is basically about the following:

• Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need.
• The need to feel loved by one's spouse is at the heart of marital desires.
• Inside every person is an "emotional tank" waited to be filled with love.
• Material things are no replacement for human, emotional love.
• Whatever quality of your relationship now, it can always be better.

I especially liked that last part. Some people think "they don't need help." and that their relationships are "fine." Honestly, it could always be better!  Because you work on better communicating and making your love happy, doesn't mean there was a flaw in your system. It just means that you want to be the best that you can be, together!

The Five Love Languages... Chapter One

Chapter One: What happens to love after the wedding?

I am reading The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. The title sounds super boring, but let me be one to tell you that this is such a good book!

People speak different native languages. We grow up learning the languages of our parents and siblings, which become our primary, or native language. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our  native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we feel conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We can communicate, but it's awkward. If we are to communicate effectively across "language lines", we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

People speak different love languages, just like people speak different native languages. This book talks about five different love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Look at the above paragraph on native languages, and think of it as love languages. We have to figure out the love language of whoever it is we are wanting to communicate with, so they can understand us and the motive behind our efforts!  We also need to figure out our own  love language so we can let others know how best to communicate with us! The important thing is to "speak" the love language of who it is we're trying to communicate with.  Does that make sense? I hope so.

Take my word for it- Read the book! ANYWAYS...

In personal books of mine, I highlight sentences or passages I read that I either love or want to stick with me. I'll share some with you...

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. 

{Me, being the Psychology major and Counseling graduate student I am, thought this was important to remember! ;)}

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I belive that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving relationship/marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.  

I think the premise behind this book makes absolute sense! I believe relationships are work...especially after you get past that just-started-dating, totally-in-love, they-could-never-do-wrong phase. I also believe that once you have that special someone in your life, the work is worth it. :)