Year #1: A Reflection

Today, as I reflect on this past year, learning to be a wife and to do life with someone else, I realize how beautiful of a day it is. I know someone's getting married today, and probably outside because they were a risk-taker like myself.  Well lucky for them, there's a 0% chance of precipitation today in this part of North Carolina. {As much as I want to "get over it," it's still hard. BUT} somewhere someone is getting married outside today and it will rain. First of all, I hope you have a plan B. And second, I hope your plan B is as beautiful as mine was. My plan B wedding was beautiful, but what made it the most beautiful was the people there. I will never forget that day as the day spent with all my loved ones, supporting Alex and I as we began our life together. The efforts from those who had to move things around at the last minute, get wet in the rain, and stress for me did not go unnoticed and I will forever be grateful. I promise you that. 

But, today I am not really reflecting on our wedding day, but the crazy year following that wedding day. 

They say the first year of marriage is hard. I'm scared to say it's the worst, because you never know what the future holds, BUT-- I can see how some people say it's the worst. As you may or may not know/care, Alex and I did not live together before we were married. So it went a little something like this: You have the hustle and bustle of wedding planning, followed by one of you moving (for us, it was me...fun), and then all of a sudden you have a roommate, who is not only a boy, but is now your HUSBAND! That's a lot to do and a lot to figure out in a short amount of time. The good news is, we have the rest of our lives to figure it out.

This past year, a lot has happened:

• I moved (like I said) for the 11th time in eight years. (No joke. I am not a fan.)
• We spent a week honeymooning in paradise. (We highly recommend Sandals Grande Riviera in Ocho Rios, Jamaica.) 

• I finished my first and (little did I know) last full school year doing school-based therapy at Bessemer City Middle School. I really miss the staff there and most of my kids. ;) That had the potential to be an amazing job. 

I spent two months taking a break from life, work, and stress. I consistently worked out, slept well, ate carbs again, and didn't gain any weight back from my pre-wedding diet. I had lots of girl time with my gal pals and spent lots of time at my in-laws' pool. It was amazing.

I started a new position at work in August. I absolutely hated it and unfortunately, it showed in and affected every area of my life. 

In September, we had less than a week to decide if we were going to move. An opportunity arose for us to invest in another fixer-upper and we jumped on the chance. I say that lightly, but putting our house on the market, fixing a house up for a month, and then moving (for my now 12th time in 8 years) was taxing. Taxing, but worth it. 

"Before"

"After"

• By November, I was looking for a plan B. I signed up to take the Praxis so I could obtain my school counseling licensure. Working in mental health was not what I thought it was going to be and I couldn't let the negatives of my job continue to affect the rest of my life. I wasn't even seeing clients anymore, so I didn't have much left to miss. 
• I learned a great lesson. I learned that no matter how perfect something seems, if it's not God's will, you need to be able to walk away. I had the most amazing job interview. I nailed it, or so I thought. We laughed. I answered all their questions promptly and with ease. We discussed start dates and me having to put in a notice at my current job. They told me they valued my integrity. They complimented me often during the interview. And more importantly, I had connections. I was told I'd hear from them within 2 days as I was their last interview. I waited patiently to hear back. Christmas break came and went. I never heard another word. As perfect as it had seemed, I had to let it go. I was still miserable at my current job, but knew God had something better in mind. As perfect as I thought that job opportunity was, it obviously wasn't. (Note to employers: Don't say you'll notify an interviewee either way if you don't plan on doing so. That's just mean.) It's a perfect life lesson to take with me in all aspects of life: Just because something seems perfect, doesn't mean it's for your best. Let God do the working out; you'll thank Him later. 
• We celebrated our first holidays as husband and wife. We've been together many-o-holidays in the past 10ish years together; however, we've never actually celebrated all holidays fully together. It was awesome and different and a learning experience. I am grateful we have so many loved ones to visit. Balancing how to see them all in a decent amount of time without going crazy will be something we hope to figure out in years to come. :)  

Merry Christmas from the Mullens!

• I started my new job at the end of January. Saying "see you later" to my life working in mental health, and to my amazing co-workers was tough, but I knew it was necessary. I didn't worry about seeing my co-workers again. Almost all of us have left now and we get together on a regular basis to have girl time. Real friends stay in touch. I value my time, experience, and relationships formed from working in mental health, but now it's time to start new experiences and form new relationships. 
• I have yet to complain about my new job. It may come in the future, but it's 10x better than the day-to-day I previously faced, emotionally speaking. It is absolutely draining to hate your job. Once I started my new job, I had to figure out how to get my life back. I (of course) had gained back every pound I had previously lost. (Stress and depression will do that to ya.) I had to get back to eating better, getting rest, exercising again, and trying to be the wife and friend I knew I could be.  That's tough--knowing you need to do better in 10+ areas of life and trying to improve in them all at the same time, knowing it's what you and your husband deserve. That alone is stressful, but I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to try. I am super grateful for Alex being as supportive as he has been. He is so thankful for my new job as well, and he tells me he sees a difference in my mood, spirit, and energy since changing jobs. He was there on days I needed him to give me a lift. He was there for me on days I needed him to hand me chocolate and just let me wallow. And that's reason #261 why I love being married, and love being married to Alex. 
• We just spent our last week of year #1 in Mexico, celebrating our one year anniversary.

...and Alex started his new job the day we came back from vacation.

That's a lot of big changes. That's a lot of transition, which brings lots of emotion. Learning to juggle those emotions with learning how to live with a new person and BE MARRIED is tough stuff, which probably has something to do with the fact that people say the first year is the toughest. But man oh man, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am eternally grateful to say that I am married to my husband, to his family, and to our life together. I am no longer me, I am part of an us. A for-real, legit, committed, signed and sealed official, and ready-for-the-long-haul version of us. That's scary but so awesome at the same time. I am no longer responsible for just me (which I have always struggled with), but I am also responsible for half of us (and sometimes both of us, haha) and that's something I need. It's good and healthy for me to learn to live, grow, and be with my favorite husband. It's good to have someone you can be 100% vulnerable with, and I think it's even better that we chose to wait to figure life out together until we were married. This way, there's no exit option. ;) Haha.... but really, we chose and vowed to not only live life together, but to figure out how to do it in a way that's best for us and hopefully glorifies the Lord along the way. We have learned a lot about life, each other, and what it means to be married this year. But all in all, we know we have a LOT left to learn. We are newbies at this. We WILL mess up but we WILL figure out how to fix it, some how, some way, at some time. We are in this together and for that, I am pretty excited to see what year #2 holds. I'm sure it'll bring some sort of transition. Each year seems to do that. But togetherness is what it's about. I am so thankful for the other half of my us. I feel secure knowing he tries to make every decision with my and our best in mind.

I always hoped I'd get to marry my high school sweetheart; he had a lot of great qualities. Thank God we're not who we were in high school, but as we grew up, still gravitated towards each other. I thought I liked him when I was in 10th grade...but high school Alex has nothing on adult Alex and I am so thankful I got to marry adult Alex!! Like I said above, "Just because something seems perfect, doesn't mean it's for your best. Let God do the working out; you'll thank Him later." 

Staying tuned to see what favor we'll experience and lessons we'll learn together in year #2..... ♥

My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

My rut somewhat explained

So, I'm not going to lie. I talk about being in a rut. I talk about being down & out. I talk about yada yada yada. The cold hard truth is that I am depressed.  {Hence the previous post.} I don't think I'm alone and I don't think I'll be this way forever. So, that's why I'm being honest.  Usually my blogs are about YouTube videos I like, what's going on in my life, or probably something pertaining to makeup.  I didn't mean to go all clinical on y'all on the last post, but I know some people are interested and some people are ignorant. 

It's been super hard for me lately. I don't know why. For whatever reason, the devil is trying to attack me from left and right and for another unknown reason, God's letting it happen.  {I like to think of myself as a modern day Job, haha.} But in all seriousness, I know this season in my life is God allowing the devil to kick me while I'm down, just so I will have no choice but to turn to God for relief from it all.   I know that true joy comes from the Lord and some days I feel like it's been 100% God & God only getting me out of the bed, getting me out the door, and putting on a happy face.  I want to be the best for my clients and I'm really trying.  I'm actually seeing some great results from some of my clients, which makes me feel like I am making a difference, which really does help.  

It also helps that I have some pretty wise clients.  Like I said in my last post, one of my clients told me, "85% of your circumstances come from your attitude and your actions."  And I reiterated saying It isn't always about what you're going through in life, but how you view your circumstances and what you do with them. 

I don't always take my own advice, but I'm working on it. I think, "If my client told me that, what would I say to them?" or "What homework would I give them?"  The thing is- I've never been good at doing homework, so, that's something I'm working on.  I know I must get through this patch and I am seriously working on it.  It takes time AND EFFORT, but most importantly, God.  Without Him, I don't know where I'd be.  I really don't.  I am thankful each and every day that I am where I am, because so many people have it so so so much worse.  We don't even know.  We can't even fathom.  And no, I'm not talking about the pot-bellied children in Africa that we see on the commercials.  I am talking about people in your very small hometown.  I am talking about people you went to high school with that you didn't even recognize.  Or people who you pass in the grocery store, or people you talk to each and every day.  We have no idea what people are going through, what they've been through, or what they will go through.  This isn't a big "love everybody" PSA, even though I think we should love everybody, haha, but I am just saying....BE. MORE. AWARE. and be more compassionate.  Help others, on purpose, and without seeking assistance in return.  

That has absolutely nothing to do with where I was going, but honestly, I promised a part two and I wanted to deliver a promised post {for once}. So, my mind is in a million places, but I hope you understand a tad bit of why.   Please keep me in your prayers.  I know there's things I need to do, but it's really really hard sometimes.  I want to do and I want to give and I need to learn to take care of myself before I can take care of others. But, I know I can do this! Alex has been super helpful, being extra sweet and encouraging lately, which is what I needed.  And I know that at the end of the day, it's all God's doing.  I just need the devil to LAY THE FREAK OFF so I can do my thang. ;)

and I need to remember these things:

Thanks Pinterest for your awesome motivational quotes tonight. 

My PSA on Depression

I'm going to preface my next post with this PSA on depression.
Doing evaluation after evaluation, I can recognize depression much quicker than I could in the past.  What's it mean to be clinically depressed? (Not 100% sure? Well, I'll educate you.)

• To have what's called a Major Depressive Episode, you need to have 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning, while one of those symptoms are either 1) depressed mood, or 2) loss of interest or pleasure:

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, either indicated by a subjective report (for example, feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (for example, appears tearful). In children and adolescents, this can be manifested by an irritable mood.
2. Markedly diminished interested or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain (for example, a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.  Note: In children, a failure to make expected weight gains could fall in this category.
4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. {Or, what we like to call "difficulty sleeping" or "difficulty staying awake"}
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day, either by a subjective account or as observed by others.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent thoughts of suicide without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. 

• These symptoms can't meet criteria for a Mixed Episode {Google it if you want}, and these symptoms have to cause "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning."  These symptoms also can't be due to effects of a substance (a drug, alcohol, or medication) or due to a general medical condition (hyperthyroidism, for example).  These symptoms also can't be better accounted for by Bereavement. 
• Also, having a Major Depressive Episode can mean used in Mood Disorders, Major Depressive Disorder, or a Bipolar Disorder. So don't assume one over the other! Get a professional diagnosis.
• Lastly, just because you don't meet the criteria (typically meaning you are experiencing 5 out of the 9, or one of the top two) doesn't mean you don't have a problem.  You can be diagnosed with what's called Depressive Disorder NOS ("Not Otherwise Specified"), or Mood Disorder NOS.
• And let me throw in here that medication can help, as well as therapy, but the most beneficial treatment course includes both medication(s) and outpatient therapy (what I do!).

Think you're depressed? Get an evaluation! Whether you have private insurance, Medicaid (or whatever state-funded insurance you have), or no insurance, you can get mental health evaluations- sometimes for super cheap, sometimes for free... it just depends.   Whatever county you live in should be a part of a what's called an LME. Google your county's LME (for example, if you Google "Lincoln County LME," you'll find our LME, "Pathways" and their website) to contact them for an appointment with someone who takes your insurance, or takes clients without insurance. 

I've seen counselors in the past, and it's really helped. I am ABSOLUTELY horrible at taking medications, so I won't say I've been successful at that. And I will be the first, and not the last to say, that just because you are depressed DOES NOT mean something is wrong with you!! It's not healthy to stay depressed for long, and that's why there's professionals out there willing and ready to help you help yourself. 

I had a client tell me this week, "85% of your circumstances come from your attitude and your actions."  That might be a tough pill to swallow, but it's pretty deep, and not necessarily statistically accurate, but you get his point.  It's isn't always about what you're going through in life, but how you view your circumstances and what you do with them. 

Stay tuned for a personal part two...