My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

Wedding update, Work update, & a Shout Out

Well, well.. 

Wedding Update:

There is no update. I haven't even told my bridesmaids that I want them to be my bridesmaids, or maid of honor, or matrons of honor, or whatever it is I'll be having. We have no date. We have no venue. We have a lot of nothing. But it'll be okay! I have a groom-to-be and I have the address to the courthouse {worst case scenario} so... I'm really trying to not worry about it. 

Work Update: 

I started my new position this week at Bessemer City Middle School! All the staff are being super nice and welcoming to me, which is great, because that was a fear of mine {that they wouldn't be} and I finally have my office looking better & better every day. {Pictures to come} I realized yesterday, while I sat in the school cafeteria during lunch time, looking around that I have not been inside a middle school since I was in middle school! I know I was a small middle schooler {and by small I mean short}but there are some TINY middle schoolers! It breaks my heart that they are being introduced to all things middle school. They should have their own school for super tiny, really cute kids. Because that's what they are. There's no way they are middle schoolers. :) And then there's some freakishly huge middle schoolers. Seriously, something's in the water, or the cows, or the chickens- I don't know. But  guys, if she looks like she's 18, you better get an I.D. because she may or may not be in the 8th grade. {For reals}

Also, for those of you who have asked me.. I'll just clarify. My new "job" is actually a new position for the same company I've been working for since I graduated. Instead of seeing clients for outpatient therapy {"counseling"}as needed in the office, I'll be at the school, doing therapy, and all my clients will come from that school and I'll see them at school during school time. Pretty neat! I feel like I'm so blessed to get to experience "the best of both worlds" because I'm technically in the mental health field, still working towards my {full} licensure hours, and am in a school everyday, and will have next summer off! Seriously, provisionally-licensed clinicians rarely get this opportunity. I have been very lucky thus far in my "career." {I still feel weird saying that word.}

Shout Out:

Can I give my boo a shout out? Because that boy deserves it! He has gone over and beyond lately to make me the happiest girl ever and I am thanking the Lord every day for making me the future wife of this man! We spent Thursday AND Friday nights after work working on making over this super old & ugly table that was left in my office. 

Before...

During...

{And I don't have an "after picture" yet.

It'll come with the pics of the office, because that's where it returned!}

And Saturday morning he rode with me to the school to work on my office. He helped me paint one of the walls, and hang paper lanterns, and clean up old delinquents' messes. {My room is the old "ISS" room so envision the words "F" YOU, and THIS PLACE SUCKS written in whatever writing utensil they had at the time.} Alex assisted with minimal complaining and for that alone, I'm thankful! ;) That evening we had mini engagement session with Jess-Rudisill Photography. That deserves a post all on its own! To make a long story short though, Alex cracked me up for an hour, and it was such a good time! And by "cracked me up for an hour" I mean that we may or may not have any good pictures because I really couldn't stop laughing. {I know, I know, sometimes it's cute to see a couple all smiling and laughing in their pictures... but this got out of control.} He did complain {about the oddest things I would say} a bit but I am hoping to get some good new favorite pics of us out of the session! I should get those pics soon & I'll be sharing those for sure! ;) Then Sunday while I joined my long lost friend Tori & her husband for lunch in Hickory and had a Mary Kay date with an old RA from Ike, Hannah, Alex spent the afternoon helping my lovely father move. {Hate I missed that, really.}

Adding some fun, color, and happiness to a very scary room :) 

So you see why he deserves a shout out?

He's just being so darn nice. And cooperative. And that's how I like him. :)

{Love you Al!} 

& here's the {now} mRs. Tori Madsen Benoit :) ... ♥ her 

& here's our "sneak peak" of the engagement session. :)

Yes, I'm wearing the same top{s}... Please don't judge me.

That's all I know. I'm just darn proud I remembered to blog about these things! I have been soooo ADHD lately. Really needing some psychiatric medication at this point, but it's always the mental health therapists that don't take their own advice! ;) 

Until later {and not too much later I hope!}...

♥,

Nicole

Friday's Food for Thought

via

This is oh so darn true and this has become more visible to me this week than ever before!

At times, you want to be right.

You will twist and turn any way you can just so at the end of the day You. Are. Right.  

Other days, it's about battles- and picking your battles wisely.

Alex has said before, "What good is it to win the battle and lose the war?"

I am raising him right! ;) Haha... {Juuuuust kidding}- but no really, what good is it?!

Sometimes it's better to be KIND and EMPATHETIC.

You know, ask yourself, "Would I want to be treated this way?"

And if the answer is a big fat N-O, then rearrange how you're going about doing whatever it is you're doing.

Also, sometimes you just need to sit still, stop talking, and LISTEN.

Others have things to say as well, and often times they will make good, valid points.

Sometimes it's even for your benefit to listen to others so you don't make the same mistake again. 

What's the most important, though, is-- when you stop worrying about being right, and start being kind, and stop what you're doing, and listen to others, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, you are not right you realize you need to APOLOGIZE.

Is it the end of the world?? I think not. 

It may or may not be a bruise to your ego, but consider it one of life's lessons and move on and GROW from the experience, rather than being stubborn, rude, "right," and inconsiderate. 

But hey, that's just my opinion.  

A Fallen Marine is Remembered

Today I had the honor of witnessing the funeral procession of a fallen marine from Stanley, NC. I intern in Gastonia and his body traveled from the airport in Charlotte to a church in Gastonia where a memorial service was held in honor of this soldier. I'll be honest- I don't watch the news really and I hardly ever read a newspaper. So I've been in my own little world and hadn't known that this had happened. But as the day went on, I heard about the memorial service, but what was most talked about was the fact that members of Westboro Baptist Church were planning on protesting this hero's memorial service. SERIOUSLY. I had heard about this stupid church and it's completely UNchristian, UNloving, HATEFUL mission before but I didn't know that really. come. to. EVERY. fallen soldier's funeral. I'm not going to link to the church to support their website visitation {in case they get paid per visit or something} but you can Google them if you want to know more about them.

One thing I learned about today & witnessed was this:

There are some groups of motorcyclists who take to their bikes to protect families from Westboro Baptist Church protesters. The American Legion Riders and Patriot Guard Riders are both national organizations, that make a presence at soldier funerals. Both groups are open to all kinds of people, with the goal of respecting the soldiers and their families and let them mourn without distraction. Even with the protesters members of the groups say they manage to keep it peaceful.
"We don't confront the Westboro Baptist Church. Their goal is to promote their particular world view and that's fine. We just don't want them to bother the families of the soldiers as they do it," said American Legion Rider Chris Radloff.
They will only show up at the funerals with families' approval.

I think this is such a great idea-- Something/Someone to barricade the family from the evil protesters so they aren't hurt anymore than they already have been. They've already given the ultimate sacrifice....what more do these idiots want???

Can you tell that these people annoy me?

But anyways, back to the GOOD stuff...

The town of Gastonia {and probably the surrounding towns as well} asked their community to come out and line the streets of Hwy 74, the highway the procession traveled. They were supposed to come through the area around 1:15-1:45 today. Well, about 2:10, they came by. Luckily my internship site is on Hwy 74 so we got to go out & witness it to honor Lance Corporal Nic O'Brien.

Here's a little bit of info I found out about O'Brien. You can google more info if you wish:

Lance Corporal Nic O’Brien, 21, was killed June 9 in Afghanistan after being hit by an improvised explosive device (IED). He was serving in Helmund province, one of the most dangerous parts of Afghanistan.
Josh Cathorne, O’Brien’s best friend and fellow marine, was seriously injured by the explosion.
O’Brien was an East Gaston High School graduate who played baseball and soccer. He was offered an academic scholarship to college but went into the Marines, something he’d talked about doing for years.
O’Brien’s memorial service was held Monday afternoon at the First Assembly Church of God on Myrtle Road in Gastonia. The service was open to the public.
O’Brien will be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery with full military rights June 28.

And here's a video of the funeral procession....check out all those motorcycles from The American Legion Riders and Patriot Guard Riders!!

I am so thankful for this boy giving his life so that I can live in peace and have the freedoms I {try not to} take for granted!

16 & Pregnant

Tonight Erin and I watched 16 & Pregnant on MTV. We missed you, Maria! I look forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays, or well, I did, but now I guess it's just going to be Tuesdays....anyways, I look forward to MTV nights. We girls all watch the show(s) anyways...so we might as well watch them together! :) I love our commercial commentaries. Well, tonight there was a girl on there, Felicia, who is, I'm sorry the most passive girl ever. Her "baby daddy" was gone out of the hospital within HOURS of her daughter being born, not coming back until the next DAY, and tell her "damn girl, you move too much" when she's {the only one} getting up in the middle of the night to tend to their newborn baby girl. Ah! This drove me crazy for an hour!

Can we all just take a moment to pray for Felicia? Because it's obvious she's going to be a single mother, she's struggling to graduate HIGH SCHOOL, and she has a LIFE to be responsible for. I would have gone ahead and smacked homeboy in the head for telling me I "moved too much." Seriously, the boy would be dead the minute he attempted to leave that hospital room. What a LOSER!

I don't understand why she doesn't confront him. I mean, she tries to communicate with him when he's home, but she just tells him that she needs him and would like his help. I would be informing that boy he is going to help, starting now!

Did anybody else feel so so sorry for this girl while watching this show tonight? I know I'm not alone! Ha ha!

9/11: 102 Minutes That Changed The World

So, today, of course, you've heard about how it's 9/11 and we should "remember." My question is, "How could anyone forget?" Seriously? How would one forget about such a horrific day?

After my company left & I was settling down for the night, I saw that the History Channel was playing an encore of "102 Minutes That Changed The World."  All I did was devote a literal minute to the show and already I was pausing my TiVo, changing into my pajamas, and settling on my couch with a blanket and my dog.

First of all, there are so many thoughts running through my head as I watched this. Literally, for the first half hour my mouth didn't close and my hand was somewhere near my face in shock and awe. I just couldn't believe it. You hear all these stories from that day and you just don't get the idea unless you see it on someone's amateur homevideo camera.

Sidenote: I will say, some of these people videoing are completely idiotic. But, without their thoughtless attempts, we wouldn't have raw video documentation of the horror that was NYC on September 11, 2001. So, thanks guys...

Now, another thought I had when watching this was, I am assuming no one thought that the towers would crumble. It's been a good hour into the attacks and people are still hanging out a couple blocks from the place. I guess I wouldn't have a clue what to do and would be in complete shock, so, I can't really blame them, but, I guess life experience {through hearing these stories and watching these videos} teach me that buildings DO crumble and we should always evacuate! NEVER hang out out of curiosity! And put the video camera DOWN!

I see all these videos of fire fighters and police officers and EMTs and the countless others offering their services. They are at ground zero, voluntarily! Making sure everyone gets out okay, making sure the streets are evacuated. They are going into the buildings!!

That's another thing... you hear people saying things like, "There's no way they can put that fire out." and "There's no way they are going to be able to help those people." And honestly, I agreed with those people. As hopeless as that sounds, realistically, you'd have to take the stairs, up at least 70ish floors, and then IF you see someone to help, you have to help them, and there's tons of people, and you have to get them all back down 70+ flights of stairs and, yeah, I wonder if they even considered the thought the buildings would collapse. Man, what heroism!

I see the desperation in the victims in the buildings, hanging out of windows flying white "flags" or just waving their arms in the attempt that someone will see them wayyyy up there, and actually be able to help! Lord, those people wanted to live!

You also saw those people who committed suicide by jumping out of their windows. They made a choice at that time, believing there was no hope. God bless their souls.

I heard 911 calls of people in the buildings, flames everywhere, smoke surrounding them. Lord, I know those 911 operators had no idea what to do. They did their job- they told people the best advice they could in the situation. Unfortunately, that advice was things such as "stay calm" and "hang tight" and "don't go anywhere" and "sir, I can't tell you what to do, that's your choice" and "if you feel like you should break a window, then that's your choice." MAN! Hang tight?? Stay there?? Stay calm?? Those 911 operators were clueless, reading off a script! What do you say to someone who you believe is in a world of danger, about to die? Do you worry about your job? Do you pray with them? Do you quit answering the phone because you know you can't help anyone personally? I mean really, I don't know what I would have done.

I watch as people realize the  building is about to collapse, or as it is collapsing, and they start to run. My first thought was, "what about everyone who couldn't run?" I mean, the people who did run probably didn't run out of harm's way, but, this is obviously why they attempted to evacuate the parameter beforehand.

Man, this show is tearing my nerves up. {I actually paused it to start blogging, then am blogging while the last hour is playing, just so you aren't confused in my past & present tenses.}

Someone actually said, "yeah, I heard they were doing this {running airplanes into buildings} every half hour" so, that's probably a good reason as to why people thought they need to evacuate their buildings and go outside, where they were even more unsafe. I just keep going back to, "but they had no idea....." I mean really, you don't have drills for things like this. One would never think something of this magnitude would happen. It's just unbelievable.

Everything looks so surreal. It's like at some points in time, it looks like a scene from a movie, like The Book of Eli or something post-apocalyptic. Not a soul is around, except that darn cameraman.

"I think we should go to war, like now," a girl said. Then some guy said, "I think we should just go to all the Arab countries and blow them all up." Man oh man....this is where it all began. More war, more hatred, stereotyping, discrimination, and more importantly, more lives lost.

My next thought is, "What about the pentagon? What about the plane that crashed into the field?" Are they not going to touch on that? Is there no footage from those places?" NYC was such a major centerpoint of the terrorist attacks that day, but it was not the only place innocent victims lost their lives.

Man, watching that really just made me realize how truly blessed I am to be ALIVE and SAFE!

God bless the souls of the lives lost on September 11th, 2001.

I heard the most awesome quote today in remembrance of 9/11:

"Freedom isn't free, somebody paid."

Food for thought: Forgiveness

Then Peter came up to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I'll tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." -Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness has really been a key issue in my life lately. I go back to this verse when I am feeling defeated by others, contemplating forgiveness. I am human! I sin! I sometimes have to THINK about forgiving people, wondering if they are worthy of my forgiveness, time, and emotion. I have to remember that the exact wording of this verse is very important: I must forgive my brother (everyone) when they sin against me. Sometimes I get so bogged down because "people" aren't doing the right thing. I get mad when others make stupid choices, causing grief for those closest to them, myself included at times. I take it all personally. I've even been known to hold a grudge or two in my time {believe it or not, HA!} My thought process is flawed because simply: I am human. However, I can not use my "humanness" as justification for continuing to live in sin. I can and should only forgive those that have sinned against me. If others are sinning against others or against God, I need to pray for them. I should not take it personally or hold a grudge. If I do, then *I* am the one needing forgiveness! They have not sinned against me, therefore, forgiveness from me is not needed. {Gosh I hope my rambling is making sense.}

This passage really opened my eyes...

1 John:
1:5: This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives.

2:1: My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him.

This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

That pretty much sums it up for me. One thing I can say for myself is {as you can also see above} I have never claimed to be perfect. I will shout it from the rooftops that I am NOT perfect! I am far from it actually and like everyone else, have my good days and have my bad days. Lucky for me, I am saved by the love and grace of Jesus Christ. The passage above reminds me that because I am a Christian, and have accepted Christ as my Savior, then when I do have my "bad days," my heavenly Father goes to bat for me. He speaks to HIS father on MY behalf, asking that I be forgiven. What an amazing thought! What an amazing thing! What an amazing Savior I have!

Forgiving one another is the hardest thing to do and the most beneficial. As God's chosen people we are to forgive all {did you hear that? ALL} grievances we have between one another because of the example set forth to us by Christ.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. -Colossians 3:12-14

and lastly....

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings. -Mark 11:25-26, Amplified

This is why it is SO important and beneficial for us to forgive. Jesus can not do us that mighty favor by going to bat for us when we have our bad days if we have hate in our hearts, if we are holding grudges, if we are choosing to not forgive someone, for anything, no matter what. As 1st John says, if we are living in Him, we must walk as Jesus did (forgivingly). I personally do not want to sacrifice MY forgiveness, at the cost of living a life full of hate. Doesn't make sense at all to me why anyone would.

If you are choosing to hold a grudge, not forgiving someone, for anything, reconsider. The price is far too high and not even close to worth it, especially when you think about how trivial some of your grievances are. Let your light shine! Do not choose to be held captive in the darkness for another minute.

It's never too late
to turn everything around.

Yet I will rejoice...

I never {never say never} usually don't use my blog for venting personal emotions; however, tonight's different. I don't know why, but I feel like blogging will somehow be therapeutic for me. So, read this, or don't...I don't care today. 

That is how I started this super long venting blog, before I was smacked in the face with my most recent post on ten minutes to get you through your day.  The whole point of it really was,

"No matter what, yet I will rejoice in the Lord!"

The devotion referred to Habakkuk 3:17-18, which says...

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

I like to think of it as...

though I'm having a bad hair day

though my makeup looks like crap

though I have tons of school loans to pay off

though I don't make a lot of money

though I have way too much school work to do for the summertime

though people I love are fighting

though friends and children of my friends are dying

though I am no longer friends with those who I used to be the closest with

though none of my best girlfriends live anywhere near me

though I still have a long way to go before I graduate and can start a new life

though I found an earwig on my pillow!!

though I feel defeated

though I feel jealous

though I feel discontent

though I feel broken...

yet I will rejoice in the LORD;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

I really needed that reality check. I have it good. I need to watch Jessica's Daily Affirmation again. And since I can't sleep, and don't feel like beginning reading for another psychopathology quiz right now at 1:30 AM, I think I'll start a new {probably annoying to you} blog listing things I am thankful for. That ought to put things into perspective for me. Either way, I've gotta get out of this rut the Devil worked on me. I won't let him defeat me! I am kind of excited though, because that just means the Lord has something in store for me, and the Devil is trying to defeat me beforehand... I will keep my eyes and heart open, ready to receive His blessings!  Stay tuned!

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

This morning in Sunday School, we were blessed with a really good lesson.

The lesson was about what you consider rich, and always wanting more, even though there are people who live on FAR FAR FAR less and there will always be someone that has MORE than you, and what the Bible describes as being truly rich. But that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.

In discussion after our video we watched, one of us mentioned how we, as humans, think that we should treat people how they treat us. An eye for an eye. If someone's mean to us, be mean back. If someone's nice to us, be nice back. You get the jist....

But, not as humans, but as Christians, we should NOT give an eye for an eye. As Gandhi said,

" An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

Matthew 7:12 says, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." 

It doesn't say do to others what they do to you. It is saying that we should treat people the way we WANT to be treated, no matter HOW they treat us! 

I was personally convicted by this statement this morning. I am definitely guilty of this. I try my hardest to be nice to everyone, at first. If someone is rude to me, or does something against me, I'll give them another chance. I'll turn the other cheek. However, after a while, if it continues, I am quick to write someone off. This does did not bother me because I only want to surround myself with those who lift me higher. I do not want to continually bother myself with those who are rude to me, etc. I do not consider it a loss, but my world a better place.

How UN-Christian of me is that?!?! It is probably the rudest people, or people that are the most rude to me, that I should be being an example to the most. Now, let me say, that I do not approve of being a doormat. I am simply saying to not give up on people. I am saying that instead of turning around and walking the other way, avoiding certain someones, or holding anger in yourself... say hello! Give a compliment! Ask how they're doing! It's the least you could do, and maybe all that's necessary. Nothing will be solved if you have a "let's see who can be the rudest the longest" competition. 

My prayer for myself and for everyone else is that we will quit holding grudges, quit being rude to one another on purpose, and learn to let things go. People who say they "don't like drama" are usually the ones who are surrounded by drama the most. FYI: there is one common denominator in all your failed friendships, in all your "dramaful" relationships. And that is YOU! Figure out why, and work to fix it! {and I am saying this to myself as well, don't you worry....} 

After having this conversation in Sunday School this morning, I definitely became aware and convicted, and have already tried working on it! It'll be a life-long effort, but one that's worth it! Life is too short and you weren't meant to hold on to that petty anger anyways. Be free! Free yourself!

Alcoholics Anonymous

My friend Jessica and I went an AA {Alcoholics Anonymous} meeting tonight. It was for our Addictions class we're taking. We have to write a paper on our experience observing an AA meeting. Well, anyways, it was {obviously} my first time going to an AA meeting, and let me tell you, it was quite the experience.

It was so hard for me to see the people in attendance there. Yet, I was so proud of them for trying. There were people there {I'm guessing here..} ages 20-60. You could definitely see the age in some of them. You could see the effects alcohol had had on their lives. I am willing to bet that a lot of them are not as old as they look. The consequences of alcohol have definitely taken a toll on all of their lives- physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually...and you can tell.

I want to applaud all of the people there- anyone who received their white chip tonight, symbolizing their first 24 hours being sober {from what I understand, you aren't "sober" until you come and admit you're an alcoholic}, or anyone receiving another colored chip, symbolizing a longer period of sobriety. Alcoholism is something that completely controls your every fiber. It takes a person being beaten down so incredibly much for them to even begin seeing that there might be a problem. So, again, I applaud everyone there, working hard to make their sobriety their top priority.

I heard something tonight that got me thinking. The speaker said that he heard someone say that their sobriety was their absolute top priority in life, and they said it sitting beside their wife. Honestly, if I was married to an alcoholic {and FYI: you're an alcoholic for the rest of your life. You don't become an ex-alcoholic. You just are sober.} then I would want my husband's top priority to be his sobriety too. If being sober isn't your top priority, there will come a time when you will relapse. It's as simple as that. When you are sober, because you made sobriety your top priority, then everything else has the ability to fall into place. So, I had never thought of it that way before, but, I guess it surprisingly makes sense.

Something I thought about on the way home was this:

Just because you drink every day, doesn't make you an alcoholic.

Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you aren't.

I have gained a life experience tonight by attending this AA meeting and I will pray for the ones I met tonight and also everyone else in attendance I didn't get to meet. One particular prayer I am praying for them hits me on a personal level. I'm sure there is someone, somewhere, that is angry at them, not speaking to them, holding a grudge, or may even hate them because of what they have let alcohol do to their lives and to the lives of others. I pray that those people see these alcoholics trying, staying sober, and struggling to make a change in their lives. I pray that these people will be given a break, and given another chance. We all deserve another chance. And if world will treat them no differently drinking or sober, then what motivation does that give them to want to change? That's just something to think about...