My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

One of those weeks....

Ever had one of those weeks?

You know... one of those weeks when...

You can't get anything done.
Everyone needs your help.
You need help.
The people you need help from don't help.
You get behind.
You have ephiphanies.
You get motivated.
Your to-do list grows a mile long.
You want to go a mile a minute...
but you can't.
Because your phone is so. freaking. slow.
And your computer's being stupid.
And you want to bite people's heads off.
And you want to be patient.
But you want to get things done.
But you're torn.
Because you want to help people in need.
But you have to have to have to get stuff done.
And then you either feel bad or you get further behind.
And you get too busy.
And you lose touch with people.
And you lose sleep.
And you lose patience.
And you get frustrated.
And you get discouraged.
And you want to quit.
But you can't.
Because people need help.
And you have stuff to do.
And your job is not done.
But you need a better attitude.
And more sleep.
And more time.
But you can't get more time unless you don't sleep.
And then you are so tired you don't get anything done.
So you sleep. And then you're behind.

Story of my life the past couple weeks or month or possibly even more.
So ready for May...SO ready!
I know you hear this far too often, but it's my blog & I'll say what I feel.
And this is how I feel.

But it's not May yet.
So, until it is...

I have work to do.
People to please.
& Places to be.


*47 more days!*
...& counting. :)

While the oven preheats...

It's 8:40pm and it's already been SUCH an eventful day. You all probably know by now that people start needing me about this time of night, but tonight, I just really hope they don't. I love you guys, but I'm not in love with you. I just really want to enjoy the rest of my evening, alone, relaxing, in pajamas, watching TV, and getting in the bed at a decent hour. Is that so much to ask?! :)

Today Jodi and I went to the NC School Counselors Association's conference in Greensboro, NC. We presented a poster on drop out prevention, primarily at the high school level. We had a little sports theme and titled it, "Stay In The Game." Clever, huh? Here's our poster...

I was proud of us, of all of us fabulous LR school counseling students! All of our posters looked awesome!

I honestly had a good time because we got to have girl time on the way there & back but also, while we were there, stood around with Monica {who is amazing and joined us for moral support} and had more girl time! Funny stories were definitely shared! ;)

We had to rush back after the luncheon because I had a dentist appointment in Lincolnton. Ultimately it only lasted a total of five minutes, which was great, because I had to rush back for class...but in the end, I left with an...(dun dun dun) appliance! Yes, for the first time in my life, I have some sort of metal in my mouth. It's ironic because the purpose of it is to reduce headaches caused my mouth clenching and teeth grinding, but for 2 and a 1/2 hours of class tonight, I just played with it in my mouth and tested it's strength (by clenching my mouth, haha) and NOW I have a headache. :/ Go figure. I have got to got to got to get used to it being there and learn to just leave it alone! Not to mention that I sound like a total... (that was going to be offensive). I have to learn to talk with it in my mouth, but until then, try not to make too much fun of me.

I bet my sweet potato fries are totally burnt by now...

My first challenge of 2010!

So, for reasons I’ll keep to myself, I have ONE month to get into a ROUTINE & to kick some nasty habits of mine! One month isn’t long so…I will have to find a way to stay focused!

I don’t know how much I weigh (yet). I don’t know if I care, or if I want to know… I think a lot of girls/people focus too much on their weight and the actual number. In case you didn’t know, your weight fluctuates throughout the day, so unless you’re going to weight yourself at home every morning the second you wake up, then weighing yourself isn’t the best idea ever. It’s healthy to lose 1-2 pounds a week and if you lose weight at that pace, you’re a lot more likely to keep it off! So, that is my goal! I don’t think I’ll need a scale; I think that I’ll be able to see and feel the results I want with time and that’s all I ask for! The thought of taking a “before” picture crossed my mind too, haha…you know, the unflattering body poses, complete with bad hair and a frown on my face! IF I do, you definitely won’t see it until way, way later when I see the results I want & can take an a decent “after” picture! ;)

I have free access to the gym on campus so, I have no excuse! Other than the fact I would LIKE to go sometime before noon everyday and Lenoir-Rhyne’s gym has some crazy hours (6-8 am & noon-11pm!) I guess I will have to figure something out.

Weight loss is not my objective here…the whole point of the month-long “thing” I have going on here is about habits (particularly my bad ones!) I’ll admit…I have a number of them! I heard it’s best not to try to kick them all at the same time so, I won’t try! ;)

My main goals are:
1. Get on a healthy & (keyword here:) steady sleep schedule
2. Eat 5 small meals a day…3 plus 2 HEALTHY snacks!
3. (Starting small here -->) Only drinking ONE soft drink a day!
4. Hitting up the gym at least 4-5 times a week…for at least one hour!

You gotta start small. :) Now, I’ve already purchased my “healthy snacks” – which will definitely come in handy when I’m stuck in class on Wednesdays for 4-5 hours at a time! And there is currently NO soft drinks in my refrigerator! (Confession: I did purchase two 2 liters of Mtn Dew, you know, just in case… but they are room temperature in my coat closet!)

Now, I’ve been going to bed at decent times (compared to my previous 3ish a.m. bedtime) lately & having to get up to go work at the gym from 6-8 a.m. really does help to get you in the habit! Too bad I could always come back home & sleep til noon (& sometimes do)!

That’s another thing! I can’t be sleeping in like I did. I mean, I usually didn’t sleep past noon, but still…I need to pick a decent time to get up, and GET UP at that time. No more of this snooze for 10 more minutes, then another, then another junk!

Ok…I’ve talked enough. It’s time to walk the walk. It’s 9:45 p.m. & I’ve gotta work at 6 in the morning so, we’ll see how it goes! I’ll keep you posted! ;)

WISH ME LUCK! :-D