My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

Pancreatitis

Pancreatitis. Not a word that was in my regular vocabulary a week ago, but this week it's been on my mind every day. Last Saturday I woke up in the middle of the night and just felt horrible. It didn't take me long once I woke up to get nauseous and experience probably the worst pain I've ever felt. And I have Endometriosis, so, I'm used to pain! I couldn't move, sit up, or do anything. I had to yell for my Mom and she ended up calling 911 to have an ambulance take me to the ER. It took them 20+ minutes to get to my house {which is crazy} and by the time the ambulance got there, I could slowly get in the vehicle myself. By the time I got to the hospital I felt a little silly being wheelchaired in the room because I thought I could walk myself. They gave me Morphine and some medicine for nausea and began to run blood tests & gave me an ultrasound. Not long after my ultrasound, I was really surprised to have a doctor come into my room, tell me what was going on with me, inform me of their plans, and answer any questions we had {which I don't think we could come up with any at that time.}

"Has anyone ever told you you have had Pancreatitis before?"

Ummm, no. But I did just go to the doctor last week. And I've had blood tests done {for non-serious reasons} several times since October, and no one's mentioned anything other than "all my numbers look great."

"Well, you have it. Your lipase level is supposed to be around 100, and yours is currently at 4,000, so we're going to admit you to the hospital."

Honestly, I was telling Mom & Alex {who were so gracious to hang out with me for a few hours in the ER} that I didn't want to have had to call the ambulance to come take me to the ER if there was just going to be something dumb wrong with me like a stomach bug or the flu. Well, you get what you ask for!! Lesson learned. I asked the doctor how long he thought I'd be in the hospital & he said at least a couple days. Apparently a level that high is a big deal? Who knew?

All I could think about then {because remember, I wasn't in pain anymore} was what I wanted Mom to bring me to the hospital- starting with my shower stuff, I was having a bad hair night!

Honestly, besides the excruciating pain, the worst part was the next day and some change. They didn't let me eat ANYthing and I. was. starving!! I think I told every single visitor I had how hungry I was. I had thrown up my last meal, which was some chicken wings I raved about on Facebook, and didn't have lunch on Friday. So I was running. on. empty! It was horrible. I can't imagine how girls purposefully starve themselves. What a miserable way to live! Then I was "introduced" to clear liquids, which is jello {which I find disgusting} and broth- which, for the record, IS NOT FOOD. After my MRI came back fine, the doctor said it was okay for me to have "non-greasy, non-fried" foods.

So- what causes pancreatitis? Several things. You could have a family history of it. I don't. It could be caused by alcohol intake. I don't drink. It could be caused by gallstones, which I don't have. And it could be caused by some medications, which the medication I was on, isn't on that list.


So there you have it. The doctors could find absolutely NO cause for my pancreatitis, which makes it called "idiopathic pancreatitis." Great! So I waited about a day or so for the GI specialist to come give me his opinion, which was that he had no idea what caused it, that it "might not" happen again, but "if it does" there are some additional tests to run. Great! He suggested a low-fat diet, but did say he didn't think the low-carb diet I was on caused the attack, even if I was eating bacon & burgers on a regular basis.

So I have no cause. Which means I have no way to prevent it from happening again. And I am being "suggested" to follow a low-fat diet "for a week or so." Now let me tell you what-- continuing a low-carb diet, while needing to eat low-fat is a hard task! And eating low-fat makes me think I can't have ANYthing good, so I'm a little sad, especially because they can't say that eating fat made this happen to begin with.

So- with that being said, if you know of any good low-fat, or low-carb AND low-fat recipes, send them my way!! I do still have a wedding to plan & I don't have time to hang out in the hospital another 3 days. Also, the huge bruises on my hands, wrists, and inner elbow are scaring my clients and I'm pretty sure they think I'm in an abusive relationship. Seriously though, I thought these bruises would have gone away by now.

Thanks for reading my super fun story about my bout with pancreatitis!! You're a trooper!! ;)

♥,
Nicole

Going Low-Carb!

So I'm going to let it all out there! It's my blog & I'll do what I want! Sometimes I share personal things, sometimes I talk about my favorite TV shows. Sometimes I talk about 9/11. There's no common theme up in here... it's just what I want, when I want, and that's how I like it! :)

I'm gonna get a little more personal right now, and share with you "my new thing." I say this, knowing how I am... I start things and I never finish them. I admit it! BUT- this new ADHD medication something inside me has got me motivated. MAYBE it's the fact I'm getting married in less than six months {Eek!} but I don't care what it is, as long as this "thing" sticks!!

"My new thing" is a low-carb diet. I went to the doctor, primarily to tell him that all I want to do is sleep, and I've been eating better, even exercising more, and still- nothing! I didn't feel right and I knew this wasn't  the way I was supposed to feel, and quite frankly, I just didn't like it. I diagnose people every day with ADHD, so I knew I had that. Like knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. But this was something different. Well, he blamed my not sleeping well and no energy and yada yada to my diet. Go figure!! If I would have walked in there with a bloody arm he probably would have blamed it on my morning Mello Yello. But, I had to finally put my tail between my legs and realize... he went to medical school and I. did. not. I'm sure he knew what he was talking about, and if he didn't, I could say "I told you so" to him, but only after I tried things his way. He suggested a low-carb diet and ditching my morning Mello Yello the sugary drinks. I told him there's no way I'm cutting out the soft drinks cold turkey again. Last time I had MAJOR headaches. He suggested cutting however much I drink now in half, and keep cutting in half every week until I'm completely off of them. Well it didn't take me long to realize he wants me off them in two weeks!! I will try low-carb, but my Mello Yello is my baby and I just didn't know how I was going to feel about getting rid of it altogether.

I talked to a couple friends who have had great success with low-carb diets. One suggested staying under 20 carbs a day.

Do you know how many carbs are in my morning Mello Yello???

Forty! Seven! 

And still. I couldn't fathom my life without it. 

But, for the past four days, I have been successful!! I am not drinking two soft drinks a day. I'm opening up a can in the morning and if I don't finish it, I don't finish it. I think only one of the four days so far I've finished it. The medication really makes my mouth dry, so I'm drinking more water than ever!  I've been eating a protein bar in the morning, which, really isn't low-carb, but I might still have to find something low-carb I can eat on the go. No time for fixing breakfast...I love to sleep too much!! I've been eating boiled eggs for lunch. And I've made the BEST quesadillas for dinner. I've been switching it up between that, grilled chicken salads, and steaks the past four days.

After dinner tonight with my new friend Laura :) I learned that I have been eating less carbs than I thought!! I obviously had no idea what I was doing, and had been counting the total carbs on all my nutrition facts! Well, come to find out, with a low-carb diet, you subtract the Dietary Fiber and the Sugar ALCOHOLS (not the sugar) from the Total Carbohydrates to give you what they call "net carbs!" Who knew?!?! I probably would if I'd read info on the Atkins diet, everyone tells me. But anyways... so those tortillas I had been using on my low-carb quesadillas that I thought were 10g of carbs each are only 3!!!!!!!!!! Woohooo!! So I've been limiting my carbs, and still eating less than what I thought!! And, a little birdy told me I can eat bacon on a low-carb diet, so, I'm basically sold.

I'm now on a mission to find low-carb everything. I know it's possible! I want to do this so bad!! I know things will come up.. like my Christmas bridal shower, and, you know, the holidays. But if I give myself something to look forward to, and limit my "cheat days" to a cheat meal, or not three cheat days in a row, I think I'll be okay. It's for sure better than what I've been doing!!

And Laura told me something else that you probably already knew but I didn't... I can trade my morning Mello Yello in for an ice cold Diet Dr Pepper and save myself the 47 carbs!! Diet soft drinks have 0 carbs. I am not a diet drink fan, and I'm sure they're equally as bad for you but just in other ways, BUT... it will satisfy my craving for yummy liquid tasting drink in the morning {a.k.a. not water or black coffee} and will work on weaning me off caffeine as well!! I know I won't be finishing the cans, but it'll be a much better substitute! So now I will for sure be staying under my goal of 20ish carbs a day!! I'm excited!!

I'm really going to try to track what I'm doing. I'll try harder to share with y'all as well. :)

Friday's Food for Thought

via

This is oh so darn true and this has become more visible to me this week than ever before!

At times, you want to be right.

You will twist and turn any way you can just so at the end of the day You. Are. Right.  

Other days, it's about battles- and picking your battles wisely.

Alex has said before, "What good is it to win the battle and lose the war?"

I am raising him right! ;) Haha... {Juuuuust kidding}- but no really, what good is it?!

Sometimes it's better to be KIND and EMPATHETIC.

You know, ask yourself, "Would I want to be treated this way?"

And if the answer is a big fat N-O, then rearrange how you're going about doing whatever it is you're doing.

Also, sometimes you just need to sit still, stop talking, and LISTEN.

Others have things to say as well, and often times they will make good, valid points.

Sometimes it's even for your benefit to listen to others so you don't make the same mistake again. 

What's the most important, though, is-- when you stop worrying about being right, and start being kind, and stop what you're doing, and listen to others, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, you are not right you realize you need to APOLOGIZE.

Is it the end of the world?? I think not. 

It may or may not be a bruise to your ego, but consider it one of life's lessons and move on and GROW from the experience, rather than being stubborn, rude, "right," and inconsiderate. 

But hey, that's just my opinion.  

Cycling hurts...but it feels so good!

First of all, let me start this by saying- you may be an avid runner. You may work out every day. You may be a health nut. But I am NONE of the above! So, with that said...

I am so proud of myself! I ate light & healthy today & then had the workout of my life! Drew's {Alex's brother's} girlfriend, Ashton, invited me to the Spin/Tone class at our local gym and let me tell you {oh wait, I already did...} it was the workout of my life! I was so stinking hot & soaking from sweat when I left that place! It felt great! I am gonna be so sore tomorrow...I just have that feeling! & I definitely need to take some Tylenol because my "butt" bone is bruised I swear! How on earth do people "cycle" on a regular basis and NOT hurt their "butt" bone?? I'm the first to say, I have a huge butt. But it wasn't cushion enough for that bike!! I am thinking the part where you stand up while you while you pedal is supposed to be "the hard part" but let me tell you, I look forward to getting up off that seat! OUCH!

This is gonna be Alex on Wednesday!

Oh, and speaking of "OUCH"...those lunge holds were killer!!! But, I will definitely go back! :-) It does feel great to be productive & knowing I'm working towards my goal! I just can't wait to start seeing some results from all this time spent and pain gained. Hopefully soon!!

But, I am MORE proud of myself because of how healthy I've eaten today. For breakfast I had Special K crackers in the car on the way to my internship {with a Mello Yello}. I have to have a soft drink first thing in the morning! I can't imagine drinking the dreaded WATER first thing in the morning. Yuck!! For lunch I had some more Special K crackers with a Laughing Cow light creamy swiss triangle {for lack of better words.} I love that combo & together they are less than 150 calories! Oh, and I had some yummy strawberries too. :) Surprisingly though, I was full- so I just stopped eating. Shocker, I know! Then on the way home I had some grapes. And then after that workout, I had a yummy Granny Smith apple with some peanut butter. Only, I had one more bite I didn't finish because I swore I was gonna hurl it back up! Talk about FULL! Blugh!

But, it feels good to be full, happy, and I haven't even had chocolate today!!! I am starting to think that this whole thing is possible. It feels good to have hope! I just hope I keep it up!

"The girl on page 194"

So, on the elliptical this past week I was reading Glamour magazine. I have no idea what issue I was reading but the editor's page was referring to all the comments she has received on "the girl on page 194." They included a picture and immediately I was interested!

Apparently in the September issue of Glamour magazine, they began a story on feeling comfortable in your skin and posted a small 3 inch square picture of Lizzi Miller.

Lizzi isn't a celebrity, or a supermodel. She is just a 20 year-old model, sitting comfortably wearing just her underwear and a smile. So what's the big deal, right? The big deal is the photo shows a belly that looks...wait for it...normal.

With all the six-pack abs and flat bellies we see in the media, it is really easy for a woman to forget what a realistic stomach looks like!

Lizzi is a size 12-14, which is the average American female's size, believe it or not. Unfortunately, for the "modeling world" she is considered plus-size. (We all know the downfalls having a "modeling world" mentality can do to a girl. We've all heard, or even experienced, the horror stories.)

"When I was young I really struggled with my body and how it looked because I didn't understand why my friends were so effortlessly skinny," Lizzi told Glamour magazine. "As I got older I realized that everyone's body is different and not everyone is skinny naturally--me included! I learned to love my body for how it is, every curve of it. I used to be so self-conscious in a bikini because my stomach wasn't perfectly defined. But everyone has different body shapes! And it's not all about the physical! If you walk on the beach in your bikini with confidence and you feel sexy, people will see you that way too."

Here's a toast to the woman on page 194, and to the spectacular sexiness of owning who you are.

And kudos to Glamour magazine for posting this, realizing true beauty, and for committing to celebrate all body shapes! 

My first challenge of 2010!

So, for reasons I’ll keep to myself, I have ONE month to get into a ROUTINE & to kick some nasty habits of mine! One month isn’t long so…I will have to find a way to stay focused!

I don’t know how much I weigh (yet). I don’t know if I care, or if I want to know… I think a lot of girls/people focus too much on their weight and the actual number. In case you didn’t know, your weight fluctuates throughout the day, so unless you’re going to weight yourself at home every morning the second you wake up, then weighing yourself isn’t the best idea ever. It’s healthy to lose 1-2 pounds a week and if you lose weight at that pace, you’re a lot more likely to keep it off! So, that is my goal! I don’t think I’ll need a scale; I think that I’ll be able to see and feel the results I want with time and that’s all I ask for! The thought of taking a “before” picture crossed my mind too, haha…you know, the unflattering body poses, complete with bad hair and a frown on my face! IF I do, you definitely won’t see it until way, way later when I see the results I want & can take an a decent “after” picture! ;)

I have free access to the gym on campus so, I have no excuse! Other than the fact I would LIKE to go sometime before noon everyday and Lenoir-Rhyne’s gym has some crazy hours (6-8 am & noon-11pm!) I guess I will have to figure something out.

Weight loss is not my objective here…the whole point of the month-long “thing” I have going on here is about habits (particularly my bad ones!) I’ll admit…I have a number of them! I heard it’s best not to try to kick them all at the same time so, I won’t try! ;)

My main goals are:
1. Get on a healthy & (keyword here:) steady sleep schedule
2. Eat 5 small meals a day…3 plus 2 HEALTHY snacks!
3. (Starting small here -->) Only drinking ONE soft drink a day!
4. Hitting up the gym at least 4-5 times a week…for at least one hour!

You gotta start small. :) Now, I’ve already purchased my “healthy snacks” – which will definitely come in handy when I’m stuck in class on Wednesdays for 4-5 hours at a time! And there is currently NO soft drinks in my refrigerator! (Confession: I did purchase two 2 liters of Mtn Dew, you know, just in case… but they are room temperature in my coat closet!)

Now, I’ve been going to bed at decent times (compared to my previous 3ish a.m. bedtime) lately & having to get up to go work at the gym from 6-8 a.m. really does help to get you in the habit! Too bad I could always come back home & sleep til noon (& sometimes do)!

That’s another thing! I can’t be sleeping in like I did. I mean, I usually didn’t sleep past noon, but still…I need to pick a decent time to get up, and GET UP at that time. No more of this snooze for 10 more minutes, then another, then another junk!

Ok…I’ve talked enough. It’s time to walk the walk. It’s 9:45 p.m. & I’ve gotta work at 6 in the morning so, we’ll see how it goes! I’ll keep you posted! ;)

WISH ME LUCK! :-D