My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

This seriously happened.

So, basically over a month ago I signed up to take the Praxis. It's a test you have to take {and pass} to become a licensed school counselor.  Two days before my test, my dad asked me to help him with his yard sale. Yep, the day of my big test. Him not having any more help and me, being the generous daughter I am, offered to get up at the buttcrack of dawn, go get us breakfast, and then help him for a few hours before I had to head to Hickory to take my test at 10:45.  So, that's what I did. It only takes about 30 minutes to get to Hickory so I left around 10:00, hoping to get there early and be ready to take the test. I get there about 15 minutes early, got myself a good parking spot, and went inside. There were SO many people in line and there for a while, the line was not moving. I didn't know I'd have to wait in line forever. Come to find out, the "test start time" is just a made up time they want you to be there and get in line; generally, the test doesn't start until about 30 minutes after you thought it would. 

Well, I forgot my admission ticket. You know, the paper you need to register. I didn't think I had time to find an open computer lab on campus and print another one off. But, then again, hindsight is 20/20- I was in that line for half an hour.  I thought, it's totally okay...I have the admission ticket in my email and I'll just show it to the person at the desk from my phone when I get up there. No big deal, right? WRONG! 

So I'm in line half an hour, get up to the lady at the desk, and it was a woman I knew from campus. I told her I didn't have my paper but showed her my admission ticket on my phone.

"It's okay, you don't really even need that paper anyways, as long as you're on this checksheet." 

Great! Okay...

She then proceeded to circle my test and room number, wrote my registration number on the back of that paper since I didn't have my admission ticket, and told me my test room was upstairs.
Phew! Okay. That was easier than I thought it was going to be... On to take my test!! 

I went upstairs to my test room and waited for the 3rd test taker to arrive. Yep, there is a building full of Praxis test takers and our test has a whopping three test takers. 

The administrator tells us to put everything away and keep our admission ticket and our ID on our desks during the test.

"I don't have my admission ticket. It's okay though, I showed it to the lady at the desk on my phone and she checked me off the list and sent me up here. I have my registration number though."

She said that was fine, and I sat there and waited.
She started to read the standardized test instructions and then all of a sudden she must have read something to spark her memory and said, "Oh no! Wait! You have a phone!!"

"Yeah, I do. I had to use it to show the lady my admission ticket. But it's okay. It's turned off, in my purse, and under my desk." What else do you want, lady? It's not like I can use it to cheat or something.

"Well ETS rules STRICTLY PROHIBIT the possession of cell phones in the building."

Yes, she said in the building.
She then went and got one of the posters that are plastered all over the place.

"See?! It says NO CELL PHONES and having one will result in the dismissal of the test."

Are you SERIOUS?

Yes, I saw the posters, but it was a big red circle with a line through it over a phone with a bunch of writing on it. I just thought it was saying you can't your phones into your test, have them out, or use them in some way during the test. You know, the usual, non-psychotic cell phone rules.

"I'm going to have to call the head lady up here and ASK HER WHAT TO DO because THIS SAYS that you should be DISMISSED."

"Yeah, call her up here because my phone is turned off, in my purse, and under my seat."

She called the lady up and it was the lady I had met with downstairs!
"Yes, ETS rules strictly prohibit cell phones in the testing centers."

"But I just showed it to you because I didn't have my admission ticket and thought I needed it. It's not even turned on. It's not on my desk. I'm not using it. It didn't go off. I don't get it. There are probably at least 100 people here with cell phones in their possession. Why am I being singled out?!"

"Ma'am, you're not being singled out. These are the rules. They're not MY rules."

"After you saw the phone YOU sent me upstairs. I assumed all was well. Why NOW is this an issue? This is an expensive test {$150} and I have waited months to take it."

"Well, I can call ETS and explain the situation to them but I KNOW what they're going to say."

"Yes, please do because again, this was expensive and I need to take this test. I haven't done anything wrong."

She comes back and says that ETS said that I was to be dismissed for having a cell phone in my possession in the testing center.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
"I'm sorry," she said.

"Yeah, you sound like you're sorry."

I was livid. I tried to keep my cool though.
As I left the room, the test administrator apologized to me as well.
SERIOUSLY LADY, stuff your bull crap apology up your butt because if you would have just been NORMAL and let me keep my phone OFF and UNDER MY DESK then none of this would have happened.

Now I have to file an appeal and see what I can do about scheduling to take this test AGAIN and HOPEFULLY not having to pay another $150.
Why the test administrator was a freaking psychotic Nazi, I don't know.
Why I was overlooked and then singled out, I don't know.
Why it's such a big deal if someone has POSSESSION of a cell phone in the test BUILDING, I DON'T KNOW!

But anyways, my rant is over. What's done is done. Lesson learned: read signs and be prepared.
But man, did that burn me up!!
Can you tell? Haha

The Wild & Wonderful Whites.....

I'm going to be honest- this is going to be a really long and a really weird blog post. Brace yourself!

So, Drew's girlfriend, Ashton, was telling me about this show/documentary/movie that they watched on HBO called The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

Wikipedia describes it in a nutshell as:

The documentary The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009) directed by Julien Nitzberg and produced by Johnny Knoxville follows the White Family for one year and primarily consists of first person interviews detailing the poverty, crime, addiction and the ramifications of the coal-mining industry on Appalachian society.

 Okay, so the fact that Johnny Knoxville took an interest in this family should have been the second thing to warn me {Ashton being the first} but "the ramifications of the coal-mining industry on Appalachian society" meant nothing to me really, other than, of course you figure being secluded for generations can do crazy things in the minds of coal miners and their families.  I seriously had no idea.

The movie was basically a family full of "outlaws" or "rebels", whatever you want to call them- Hillbillys with no moral code and Disability checks to pay for their drug habits is basically what it is.  I could not believe the way some people think- or, how much they don't think.  It seriously is a crazy documentary. Don't believe me? Here's the trailer:


Okay, so, you get the idea now...

These people are FOR. REAL. To the killing people and the grandma covering it up, to the baby being taken by Child Protective Services for being born addicted to drugs, to doing drugs at the grandma's birthday party with the little kid in the room, to having one family member shoot the face off of another. I mean this family is certifiably CRAZY.

With that being said, this sparked a conversation today between a "co-worker" {Ashley from my internship} and myself about....people such as this {for lack of better words.}We were talking about how some people are raised like this from day one and simply do not know any better. Some people don't have any chance in the world. Some people don't have an opportunity for an education or for a way out. Some people live their whole entire lives surrounding in some horribleness and never know anything better. The generations continue and the cycle never ends. That is a cryin' shame, I tell you, but it's the truth!

AND- as I watched this, it pulled at my heartstrings. For instance, the baby born with drugs in its system. That baby was beautiful! It was sitting there in the hospital bassinet with a pretty little pink bow in her hair. And what does the mom do? Crushes some pills and snorts them right there in the hospital room! This was right after she was talking about how she wanted better for her child...she wanted her child to have hopes and dreams, and to make something of herself, have an education, the whole nine yards. I was thinking- How would that baby ever have a chance with you acting like that as her mother?!  I didn't see CPS coming, because there's all kinds of kids in this crazy family, but I'm sure glad they did! There was no way in the world that baby was going to be cared for the way it should be with its mother acting the way she was.

I really DON'T know where I'm going with this...because I could go on a rant about drug abuse, the social security system, cultural sensitivity, it all. But I won't. Unless you just want me to. ;)

But, my point is...this stuff exists. People like this exist. And they aren't only in West Virginia in the Appalachian mountains either. I bet they're in Lincoln County- people acting like this, maybe not as drastic, but maybe. We never know. Drugs fry your brain and make people do THE stupidest stuff- and I think this is a great example. It's also a great example of how poverty and a family's culture can literally hold a person back from obtaining their full potential.

I don't know what I'd do if someone from the White family came into an agency where I worked and was court-ordered to receive mental health services. Holy moley! I'd sure be praying a lot, that's for sure! And if I'm ever a school counselor, I hope that my radar goes off and I notice a child in need- who may not have opportunities, support, resources, love, a good influence, MEDICATION, whatever it is they need to succeed, and latch onto them and do what I can to help them help themselves.

Okay, I think I can hop off my soap box now. :)

One of those weeks....

Ever had one of those weeks?

You know... one of those weeks when...

You can't get anything done.
Everyone needs your help.
You need help.
The people you need help from don't help.
You get behind.
You have ephiphanies.
You get motivated.
Your to-do list grows a mile long.
You want to go a mile a minute...
but you can't.
Because your phone is so. freaking. slow.
And your computer's being stupid.
And you want to bite people's heads off.
And you want to be patient.
But you want to get things done.
But you're torn.
Because you want to help people in need.
But you have to have to have to get stuff done.
And then you either feel bad or you get further behind.
And you get too busy.
And you lose touch with people.
And you lose sleep.
And you lose patience.
And you get frustrated.
And you get discouraged.
And you want to quit.
But you can't.
Because people need help.
And you have stuff to do.
And your job is not done.
But you need a better attitude.
And more sleep.
And more time.
But you can't get more time unless you don't sleep.
And then you are so tired you don't get anything done.
So you sleep. And then you're behind.

Story of my life the past couple weeks or month or possibly even more.
So ready for May...SO ready!
I know you hear this far too often, but it's my blog & I'll say what I feel.
And this is how I feel.

But it's not May yet.
So, until it is...

I have work to do.
People to please.
& Places to be.


*47 more days!*
...& counting. :)

So much for free time....

Man, oh man! I've been super busy lately & have wanted to blog about so so many things! However, Psychopathology has started & we are required to:

• Post 2 discussion questions a week {no big deal if my brain would start working}
• Post 3 replies to discussion questions...FIVE OUT OF SEVEN DAYS A WEEK!
• Take 3 quizzes a week on 2-5 chapters a quiz {seriously}
• Therefore meaning, read 2 textbooks in the month of June
• Blog at least once a week {and this one doesn't count ;) }
• Take a final exam {it'll be my first one of my counseling program}
• & I'm sure something else I'm forgetting

...and that's all for a B in the class!! Whoa baby!! June will be busy, that's for sure! Keep me in your prayers because I'm going to attempt to do all the required work plus a little extra for an A {got to at least attempt to keep that 4.0} AND I'll be starting another class this Tuesday!! :/

Done! Finished! Finito! Fin! :-D

I made it! I am officially done with my first full semester of graduate school. Praise the Lord! I never thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel that is this semester. In a matter of 4 days last week I wrote FIFTY pages of essay-type things. FIFTY! That's insane! I thought I would go crazy. I took about a week long mental vacation and then had to be back at it. I cranked another 10 pages out, had class tonight (a week after "the last day of classes"), and feel SO relieved! I really don't know what to do with myself. I mean, there is always something I should be doing. I can't go home for Christmas until Monday, the 21st, so, there is RD work to be done, and DEFINITELY cleaning that has been neglected lately with all this paper writing! So, I'll need to get on that. But tonight, I'm just not feeling it. I took a nice, long, MUCH needed shower after I got out of class, and I might just get in the bed with a book at 8pm and see how long it takes me to drift off to dreamland! :)

I've gotta get up crazy early in the morning. I'm working at the gym 6-8 AM! Trying to make a little extra holiday $$$! I'm already counting down the days until February 17ish when I get my next financial aid refund check. :/ Don't get me started...

I don't know what else to tell you right now- other than I am seriously sleep-deprived, smelling beautifully, and so so SOOOO happy that this semester is over with! Oh, and did I tell you that I am taking four classes next semester? We'll see how it goes....

Until then, I'm going to try to have a very merry CHRISTmas with my family, friends, and special someone! :) I hope you will all do the same.