My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

Friday's Food for Thought

via

This is oh so darn true and this has become more visible to me this week than ever before!

At times, you want to be right.

You will twist and turn any way you can just so at the end of the day You. Are. Right.  

Other days, it's about battles- and picking your battles wisely.

Alex has said before, "What good is it to win the battle and lose the war?"

I am raising him right! ;) Haha... {Juuuuust kidding}- but no really, what good is it?!

Sometimes it's better to be KIND and EMPATHETIC.

You know, ask yourself, "Would I want to be treated this way?"

And if the answer is a big fat N-O, then rearrange how you're going about doing whatever it is you're doing.

Also, sometimes you just need to sit still, stop talking, and LISTEN.

Others have things to say as well, and often times they will make good, valid points.

Sometimes it's even for your benefit to listen to others so you don't make the same mistake again. 

What's the most important, though, is-- when you stop worrying about being right, and start being kind, and stop what you're doing, and listen to others, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, you are not right you realize you need to APOLOGIZE.

Is it the end of the world?? I think not. 

It may or may not be a bruise to your ego, but consider it one of life's lessons and move on and GROW from the experience, rather than being stubborn, rude, "right," and inconsiderate. 

But hey, that's just my opinion.  

My PSA on Depression

I'm going to preface my next post with this PSA on depression.
Doing evaluation after evaluation, I can recognize depression much quicker than I could in the past.  What's it mean to be clinically depressed? (Not 100% sure? Well, I'll educate you.)

• To have what's called a Major Depressive Episode, you need to have 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning, while one of those symptoms are either 1) depressed mood, or 2) loss of interest or pleasure:

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, either indicated by a subjective report (for example, feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (for example, appears tearful). In children and adolescents, this can be manifested by an irritable mood.
2. Markedly diminished interested or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain (for example, a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.  Note: In children, a failure to make expected weight gains could fall in this category.
4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. {Or, what we like to call "difficulty sleeping" or "difficulty staying awake"}
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day, either by a subjective account or as observed by others.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent thoughts of suicide without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. 

• These symptoms can't meet criteria for a Mixed Episode {Google it if you want}, and these symptoms have to cause "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning."  These symptoms also can't be due to effects of a substance (a drug, alcohol, or medication) or due to a general medical condition (hyperthyroidism, for example).  These symptoms also can't be better accounted for by Bereavement. 
• Also, having a Major Depressive Episode can mean used in Mood Disorders, Major Depressive Disorder, or a Bipolar Disorder. So don't assume one over the other! Get a professional diagnosis.
• Lastly, just because you don't meet the criteria (typically meaning you are experiencing 5 out of the 9, or one of the top two) doesn't mean you don't have a problem.  You can be diagnosed with what's called Depressive Disorder NOS ("Not Otherwise Specified"), or Mood Disorder NOS.
• And let me throw in here that medication can help, as well as therapy, but the most beneficial treatment course includes both medication(s) and outpatient therapy (what I do!).

Think you're depressed? Get an evaluation! Whether you have private insurance, Medicaid (or whatever state-funded insurance you have), or no insurance, you can get mental health evaluations- sometimes for super cheap, sometimes for free... it just depends.   Whatever county you live in should be a part of a what's called an LME. Google your county's LME (for example, if you Google "Lincoln County LME," you'll find our LME, "Pathways" and their website) to contact them for an appointment with someone who takes your insurance, or takes clients without insurance. 

I've seen counselors in the past, and it's really helped. I am ABSOLUTELY horrible at taking medications, so I won't say I've been successful at that. And I will be the first, and not the last to say, that just because you are depressed DOES NOT mean something is wrong with you!! It's not healthy to stay depressed for long, and that's why there's professionals out there willing and ready to help you help yourself. 

I had a client tell me this week, "85% of your circumstances come from your attitude and your actions."  That might be a tough pill to swallow, but it's pretty deep, and not necessarily statistically accurate, but you get his point.  It's isn't always about what you're going through in life, but how you view your circumstances and what you do with them. 

Stay tuned for a personal part two...