Year #1: A Reflection

Today, as I reflect on this past year, learning to be a wife and to do life with someone else, I realize how beautiful of a day it is. I know someone's getting married today, and probably outside because they were a risk-taker like myself.  Well lucky for them, there's a 0% chance of precipitation today in this part of North Carolina. {As much as I want to "get over it," it's still hard. BUT} somewhere someone is getting married outside today and it will rain. First of all, I hope you have a plan B. And second, I hope your plan B is as beautiful as mine was. My plan B wedding was beautiful, but what made it the most beautiful was the people there. I will never forget that day as the day spent with all my loved ones, supporting Alex and I as we began our life together. The efforts from those who had to move things around at the last minute, get wet in the rain, and stress for me did not go unnoticed and I will forever be grateful. I promise you that. 

But, today I am not really reflecting on our wedding day, but the crazy year following that wedding day. 

They say the first year of marriage is hard. I'm scared to say it's the worst, because you never know what the future holds, BUT-- I can see how some people say it's the worst. As you may or may not know/care, Alex and I did not live together before we were married. So it went a little something like this: You have the hustle and bustle of wedding planning, followed by one of you moving (for us, it was me...fun), and then all of a sudden you have a roommate, who is not only a boy, but is now your HUSBAND! That's a lot to do and a lot to figure out in a short amount of time. The good news is, we have the rest of our lives to figure it out.

This past year, a lot has happened:

• I moved (like I said) for the 11th time in eight years. (No joke. I am not a fan.)
• We spent a week honeymooning in paradise. (We highly recommend Sandals Grande Riviera in Ocho Rios, Jamaica.) 

• I finished my first and (little did I know) last full school year doing school-based therapy at Bessemer City Middle School. I really miss the staff there and most of my kids. ;) That had the potential to be an amazing job. 

I spent two months taking a break from life, work, and stress. I consistently worked out, slept well, ate carbs again, and didn't gain any weight back from my pre-wedding diet. I had lots of girl time with my gal pals and spent lots of time at my in-laws' pool. It was amazing.

I started a new position at work in August. I absolutely hated it and unfortunately, it showed in and affected every area of my life. 

In September, we had less than a week to decide if we were going to move. An opportunity arose for us to invest in another fixer-upper and we jumped on the chance. I say that lightly, but putting our house on the market, fixing a house up for a month, and then moving (for my now 12th time in 8 years) was taxing. Taxing, but worth it. 

"Before"

"After"

• By November, I was looking for a plan B. I signed up to take the Praxis so I could obtain my school counseling licensure. Working in mental health was not what I thought it was going to be and I couldn't let the negatives of my job continue to affect the rest of my life. I wasn't even seeing clients anymore, so I didn't have much left to miss. 
• I learned a great lesson. I learned that no matter how perfect something seems, if it's not God's will, you need to be able to walk away. I had the most amazing job interview. I nailed it, or so I thought. We laughed. I answered all their questions promptly and with ease. We discussed start dates and me having to put in a notice at my current job. They told me they valued my integrity. They complimented me often during the interview. And more importantly, I had connections. I was told I'd hear from them within 2 days as I was their last interview. I waited patiently to hear back. Christmas break came and went. I never heard another word. As perfect as it had seemed, I had to let it go. I was still miserable at my current job, but knew God had something better in mind. As perfect as I thought that job opportunity was, it obviously wasn't. (Note to employers: Don't say you'll notify an interviewee either way if you don't plan on doing so. That's just mean.) It's a perfect life lesson to take with me in all aspects of life: Just because something seems perfect, doesn't mean it's for your best. Let God do the working out; you'll thank Him later. 
• We celebrated our first holidays as husband and wife. We've been together many-o-holidays in the past 10ish years together; however, we've never actually celebrated all holidays fully together. It was awesome and different and a learning experience. I am grateful we have so many loved ones to visit. Balancing how to see them all in a decent amount of time without going crazy will be something we hope to figure out in years to come. :)  

Merry Christmas from the Mullens!

• I started my new job at the end of January. Saying "see you later" to my life working in mental health, and to my amazing co-workers was tough, but I knew it was necessary. I didn't worry about seeing my co-workers again. Almost all of us have left now and we get together on a regular basis to have girl time. Real friends stay in touch. I value my time, experience, and relationships formed from working in mental health, but now it's time to start new experiences and form new relationships. 
• I have yet to complain about my new job. It may come in the future, but it's 10x better than the day-to-day I previously faced, emotionally speaking. It is absolutely draining to hate your job. Once I started my new job, I had to figure out how to get my life back. I (of course) had gained back every pound I had previously lost. (Stress and depression will do that to ya.) I had to get back to eating better, getting rest, exercising again, and trying to be the wife and friend I knew I could be.  That's tough--knowing you need to do better in 10+ areas of life and trying to improve in them all at the same time, knowing it's what you and your husband deserve. That alone is stressful, but I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to try. I am super grateful for Alex being as supportive as he has been. He is so thankful for my new job as well, and he tells me he sees a difference in my mood, spirit, and energy since changing jobs. He was there on days I needed him to give me a lift. He was there for me on days I needed him to hand me chocolate and just let me wallow. And that's reason #261 why I love being married, and love being married to Alex. 
• We just spent our last week of year #1 in Mexico, celebrating our one year anniversary.

...and Alex started his new job the day we came back from vacation.

That's a lot of big changes. That's a lot of transition, which brings lots of emotion. Learning to juggle those emotions with learning how to live with a new person and BE MARRIED is tough stuff, which probably has something to do with the fact that people say the first year is the toughest. But man oh man, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am eternally grateful to say that I am married to my husband, to his family, and to our life together. I am no longer me, I am part of an us. A for-real, legit, committed, signed and sealed official, and ready-for-the-long-haul version of us. That's scary but so awesome at the same time. I am no longer responsible for just me (which I have always struggled with), but I am also responsible for half of us (and sometimes both of us, haha) and that's something I need. It's good and healthy for me to learn to live, grow, and be with my favorite husband. It's good to have someone you can be 100% vulnerable with, and I think it's even better that we chose to wait to figure life out together until we were married. This way, there's no exit option. ;) Haha.... but really, we chose and vowed to not only live life together, but to figure out how to do it in a way that's best for us and hopefully glorifies the Lord along the way. We have learned a lot about life, each other, and what it means to be married this year. But all in all, we know we have a LOT left to learn. We are newbies at this. We WILL mess up but we WILL figure out how to fix it, some how, some way, at some time. We are in this together and for that, I am pretty excited to see what year #2 holds. I'm sure it'll bring some sort of transition. Each year seems to do that. But togetherness is what it's about. I am so thankful for the other half of my us. I feel secure knowing he tries to make every decision with my and our best in mind.

I always hoped I'd get to marry my high school sweetheart; he had a lot of great qualities. Thank God we're not who we were in high school, but as we grew up, still gravitated towards each other. I thought I liked him when I was in 10th grade...but high school Alex has nothing on adult Alex and I am so thankful I got to marry adult Alex!! Like I said above, "Just because something seems perfect, doesn't mean it's for your best. Let God do the working out; you'll thank Him later." 

Staying tuned to see what favor we'll experience and lessons we'll learn together in year #2..... ♥

My Crazy Mind: This Is Not Okay.

I love to read blogs when I get a minute. I've fallen in love with Candace Cameron Bure & I read all of her blog updates. Her latest one was a guest post talking about "Finding Rest in the Midst of a Busy World" and it read my heart exactly. I yearn for spiritual (and literal) rest lately. This isn't going to be an encouraging, tip-giving blog. Not that I "do those" but I do typically like to provide solutions to problems instead of just complain. I actually prefer to solve problems ASAP but, nevertheless...

I kind of wanted to throw my thoughts out there in the blogosphere, let it all out & hope that maybe I'm not the only one or, if I'm lucky, get some tips or some encouragement back.

I like to think of myself as independent, determined, and a problem-solver. Realistically, I am EASILY overwhelmed and depressed. This is not okay. I can't remember a time when I was bored, or didn't have the weight of a large to-do list on my shoulders. The to-do list could vary from things others are depending on me for or crazy things I mistakenly add to my own plate. If I sit, I feel guilty. But ironically enough, I find absolutely no guilt in napping. Crazy how that works. Sleep is one of my top five favorite things in this world and I am not ashamed to admit it. I used to nap a lot...but with marriage and working a full-time job, I really don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem. ;)

I just wanted to give you just a glimpse of maybe an hour-long span of my crazy personal thoughts lately so you can see where I am coming from:

I am so behind at work. I must work a little bit from home, even though I vowed I was going to stop doing that. If I work a little bit later, I'll get more done. I have SO many evaluations to write. I'll never be caught up. There's no point in even trying. The 10% paycut doesn't help. My student loans and medical bills are outrageous! That. Is. Not. Fair. Why did I even go to graduate school? I need to go see Mawmaw in the hospital. She's lonely out there in Mount Holly. She's one of my most favorite people ever. I don't want her to be lonely. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER. There are boxes everywhere. My husband hasn't thrown anything in his nightstand away since high school...or before. I cannot deal with all this clutter. I should have taken a week off work to deal with this. I can't put anything up until the paint's done. The painter's not done yet. Where is our {fill in the blank}? I hear animals in the attic. We probably should do something about that. What are we doing for dinner? I will be home late. I don't have the energy to cook. I don't know how to cook. I want something quick, cheap, and yummy to eat. But fast food's horrible for you. And I've only been to the gym once in 2-3 MONTHS. I am gaining weight again. But I don't question why. But I feel bad. But I'm busy. But I am gaining weight. Do you know how hard I worked to lose the weight I did lose? I don't know if I want to do low-carb or low-calorie. Either way, I'll have to go back to the gym. But I'm tired. And I didn't get home until after 8:00. But I'm gaining weight. But fast food is so yummy. But my house is a wreck- I really should be fixing that. And wedding videos!! I am so behind on wedding videos. I had no idea they'd take this much time after-the-fact or I would have never signed up for this. But I enjoy doing it. But I have zero time to finish the videos. And thank you cards! I have not finished my thank you cards from all the amazingness I received for our wedding. I feel so bad about that. I really am thankful. I need a shower. But doing my hair is so annoying. I could go to bed with my hair wet. I don't think Alex likes it when I go to bed with my hair wet. What am I going to wear to church tomorrow? What'd I wear to church last week? I don't want to wear the same thing 2 weeks in a row. I dread getting up early in the morning. I'll probably want a nap tomorrow. Who has time for a nap? I have so much to do here before I go back to work Monday. I am so behind at work... 

And the cycle continues. I feel like I need to do as much as physically possible to fix the problems that I can, and am willing to, fix. I have spent every waking moment unpacking, organizing, and cleaning in the "simple" attempt to get this house under control. I think if I can get the house under control {when has that ever happened?} then I will feel innocent enough to sit and work on wedding videos or write thank you cards. The only reason I sat down to blog was because I am too tired to stand any longer. I have been working like a crazy lady all day and I simply need some R&R. But then the guilt set in and I was all like, "This is not okay."

I am sure...or at least I hope that I am not the only one that feels like this. I'm sure I'm not. The internet is full of women who protest social media because all it does is make you feel inferior. Inferior as a wife, mother, homemaker, clothes-wearer, whatever. I 100% believe it does, but for different reasons. The internet especially has made me realize that some women seem to get more done in a day than I do. Why is that? I have no idea. They probably sleep less. They probably wake up super early in the morning, chipper, ready to take on the day. They probably have super high metabolism and don't need to work out to stay attractive. {I tell myself that a lot to make me feel better but I know that belittles their physical effort so I take it back.} I am sure they have money and can delegate some duties out, or don't feel obligation to work 45-50 hours per week to try to stay on top of things. Again. I don't know..just throwing some guesses out there. I read someone say recently, "We all have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce." How ridiculous for someone to even think that, let alone say it! Beyonce has a ton of MONEY, and a TEAM of people to help her get it all done. She BETTER get a lot done!

My dad always told me growing up that I cannot do it all, as in...things cost time and money and you only have so much time, money, energy, and resources. I think he was teaching me a lesson in prioritizing and the value of saying no. I have obviously not learned that lesson yet, but I already appreciate it.

And of course, when your brain is chaotic, and guilt-ridden, and you just have a million things to do, but you're tired, and exhausted, and hungry, and haven't spent any time with your husband yet today...what's the first thing to go? If you're anything like me, it's probably your relationship with Christ, which I feel the most guilty about. I try to find ways to connect with Him throughout the day, but it's not enough and it's exactly the problem. If I was as God-centered as I should be, I highly doubt I would be driving myself this crazy. But would I find more time to do things? I don't know. Would my house be any more cleaner or organized? I don't know. Would I be able to spend time with my family, husband, friends, God, and get my work done? I obviously don't know. But I would have more of a peace about things. I am horrible with commitment, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I just want you to know that I know that's the problem. And I really want to solve that problem, as soon as possible. I'm going to take my sleepy self upstairs, open up my Bible, and hope time stands still for a while so I can still get maybe seven hours of sleep.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Do you feel like this too? What do you do to pull yourself back together? I obviously am welcoming any & all suggestions. ;) 

Friday's Food for Thought

via

This is oh so darn true and this has become more visible to me this week than ever before!

At times, you want to be right.

You will twist and turn any way you can just so at the end of the day You. Are. Right.  

Other days, it's about battles- and picking your battles wisely.

Alex has said before, "What good is it to win the battle and lose the war?"

I am raising him right! ;) Haha... {Juuuuust kidding}- but no really, what good is it?!

Sometimes it's better to be KIND and EMPATHETIC.

You know, ask yourself, "Would I want to be treated this way?"

And if the answer is a big fat N-O, then rearrange how you're going about doing whatever it is you're doing.

Also, sometimes you just need to sit still, stop talking, and LISTEN.

Others have things to say as well, and often times they will make good, valid points.

Sometimes it's even for your benefit to listen to others so you don't make the same mistake again. 

What's the most important, though, is-- when you stop worrying about being right, and start being kind, and stop what you're doing, and listen to others, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, you are not right you realize you need to APOLOGIZE.

Is it the end of the world?? I think not. 

It may or may not be a bruise to your ego, but consider it one of life's lessons and move on and GROW from the experience, rather than being stubborn, rude, "right," and inconsiderate. 

But hey, that's just my opinion.  

This seriously happened.

So, basically over a month ago I signed up to take the Praxis. It's a test you have to take {and pass} to become a licensed school counselor.  Two days before my test, my dad asked me to help him with his yard sale. Yep, the day of my big test. Him not having any more help and me, being the generous daughter I am, offered to get up at the buttcrack of dawn, go get us breakfast, and then help him for a few hours before I had to head to Hickory to take my test at 10:45.  So, that's what I did. It only takes about 30 minutes to get to Hickory so I left around 10:00, hoping to get there early and be ready to take the test. I get there about 15 minutes early, got myself a good parking spot, and went inside. There were SO many people in line and there for a while, the line was not moving. I didn't know I'd have to wait in line forever. Come to find out, the "test start time" is just a made up time they want you to be there and get in line; generally, the test doesn't start until about 30 minutes after you thought it would. 

Well, I forgot my admission ticket. You know, the paper you need to register. I didn't think I had time to find an open computer lab on campus and print another one off. But, then again, hindsight is 20/20- I was in that line for half an hour.  I thought, it's totally okay...I have the admission ticket in my email and I'll just show it to the person at the desk from my phone when I get up there. No big deal, right? WRONG! 

So I'm in line half an hour, get up to the lady at the desk, and it was a woman I knew from campus. I told her I didn't have my paper but showed her my admission ticket on my phone.

"It's okay, you don't really even need that paper anyways, as long as you're on this checksheet." 

Great! Okay...

She then proceeded to circle my test and room number, wrote my registration number on the back of that paper since I didn't have my admission ticket, and told me my test room was upstairs.
Phew! Okay. That was easier than I thought it was going to be... On to take my test!! 

I went upstairs to my test room and waited for the 3rd test taker to arrive. Yep, there is a building full of Praxis test takers and our test has a whopping three test takers. 

The administrator tells us to put everything away and keep our admission ticket and our ID on our desks during the test.

"I don't have my admission ticket. It's okay though, I showed it to the lady at the desk on my phone and she checked me off the list and sent me up here. I have my registration number though."

She said that was fine, and I sat there and waited.
She started to read the standardized test instructions and then all of a sudden she must have read something to spark her memory and said, "Oh no! Wait! You have a phone!!"

"Yeah, I do. I had to use it to show the lady my admission ticket. But it's okay. It's turned off, in my purse, and under my desk." What else do you want, lady? It's not like I can use it to cheat or something.

"Well ETS rules STRICTLY PROHIBIT the possession of cell phones in the building."

Yes, she said in the building.
She then went and got one of the posters that are plastered all over the place.

"See?! It says NO CELL PHONES and having one will result in the dismissal of the test."

Are you SERIOUS?

Yes, I saw the posters, but it was a big red circle with a line through it over a phone with a bunch of writing on it. I just thought it was saying you can't your phones into your test, have them out, or use them in some way during the test. You know, the usual, non-psychotic cell phone rules.

"I'm going to have to call the head lady up here and ASK HER WHAT TO DO because THIS SAYS that you should be DISMISSED."

"Yeah, call her up here because my phone is turned off, in my purse, and under my seat."

She called the lady up and it was the lady I had met with downstairs!
"Yes, ETS rules strictly prohibit cell phones in the testing centers."

"But I just showed it to you because I didn't have my admission ticket and thought I needed it. It's not even turned on. It's not on my desk. I'm not using it. It didn't go off. I don't get it. There are probably at least 100 people here with cell phones in their possession. Why am I being singled out?!"

"Ma'am, you're not being singled out. These are the rules. They're not MY rules."

"After you saw the phone YOU sent me upstairs. I assumed all was well. Why NOW is this an issue? This is an expensive test {$150} and I have waited months to take it."

"Well, I can call ETS and explain the situation to them but I KNOW what they're going to say."

"Yes, please do because again, this was expensive and I need to take this test. I haven't done anything wrong."

She comes back and says that ETS said that I was to be dismissed for having a cell phone in my possession in the testing center.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
"I'm sorry," she said.

"Yeah, you sound like you're sorry."

I was livid. I tried to keep my cool though.
As I left the room, the test administrator apologized to me as well.
SERIOUSLY LADY, stuff your bull crap apology up your butt because if you would have just been NORMAL and let me keep my phone OFF and UNDER MY DESK then none of this would have happened.

Now I have to file an appeal and see what I can do about scheduling to take this test AGAIN and HOPEFULLY not having to pay another $150.
Why the test administrator was a freaking psychotic Nazi, I don't know.
Why I was overlooked and then singled out, I don't know.
Why it's such a big deal if someone has POSSESSION of a cell phone in the test BUILDING, I DON'T KNOW!

But anyways, my rant is over. What's done is done. Lesson learned: read signs and be prepared.
But man, did that burn me up!!
Can you tell? Haha

Reality Check

It just hit me. I go back to Hickory in less than 2 days. This Christmas break is almost OVER.

Did I tell you I had 11 {yea, that's not a typo- I said ELEVEN} papers to write before mid-January & planned to do some over break? Well, guess what...I didn't. Did I tell you I wanted to get on a good sleep schedule while I was at home? Didn't do that either.

My first week of break was full of last  minute Christmas things and spending time with some of my friends I hadn't seen in a while! then came the two days of Christmas, followed by a *fabulous* snow storm that started Christmas morning, and then a couple days of Christmas clearance shopping... and then the rest is a blur!! Time has flown by and that is not good!!

It's funny about time flying...it flies when you don't want it to & ticks slowly along when you're anxiously awaiting something! That figures. I guess we all need to learn to cherish those special moments because they'll be gone before you know it and to be a little more patient and a little less anxious for those things we are waiting on. Easier said than done....*trust* me!

Now that I know it's coming I am anxious ALREADY. What was that...a whole one second before I quit practicing what I was preaching?? Great, Nicole... I say I'm anxious only because I dread what's coming...packing the car up & heading back to Hickory, only to need to unpack things, get things ready for the upcoming semester, taking down Christmas decor at my apartment, getting things ready for the new transfer freshmen coming in, oh, and those eleven papers I mentioned above. So much for a peaceful week before school starts!! I am just ready to get the car packed up and get up there and get it all DONE! I do *not* want to start this semester off with a messy apartment and a to-do list a mile long.

One thing I am looking forward to is living back in Hickory. I've probably gone to Hickory six times in the two weeks I've been home in Lincolnton. It's about a 25 minute drive, but six times...with rising gas price!! It gets old after a while. All my favorite stores are in Hickory & I do my grocery shopping at the Super Wal-Mart. {Lincolnton needs to hurry up & get theirs up & running!} Hickory also has something else Lincolnton doesn't have....and that, my friend, is a *Starbucks!*

I have never been a Starbucks coffee fan {therefore I don't usually go to Starbucks} but I found myself with two $5 gift cards, {much} thanks to sweet Maylen and sweet Maggie. :) I went up through the drive-thru and said to the man behind the speaker, "What do you have hot and non-coffee tasting?" He listed a couple seasonal-sounding drinks that sounded a bit nasty to me, until he said the beautiful words..."and we have a caramel apple spice." My world will now never be the same.

Starbucks.com says, "If you’re longing for the toasty warmth of a woolly blanket and crackling fire but don’t have the luxury of escaping to a cabin, we suggest a freshly steamed Caramel Apple Spice. Prepared from 100% pressed apple juice sweetened with cinnamon syrup, whipped cream and our own buttery caramel sauce, it strikes a soothing balance between sweet and tart that never fails to hit the spot."

Doesn't that just sound delicious??? Trust me, IT IS! I get it with no whip cream on top {and usually spill it all over my arms as I am walking into class}. Just go ahead, take my word for it, and go on out & get you one before they quit selling it because I'm sure it's a seasonal drink! You can thank me later.

Reflecting on the Year 2010

I had to take a moment to go back and look at my blog from last year, reflecting on the year 2009. It brought a smile to my face seeing the positivity I brought into the year 2010. I {mostly} love the year's end, ringing in a new year, reflecting on the past year and what all it brought. This year is no exception. The difference in this year & the last is, as sad as it is, is that I will need to make a solid effort to bring that much positivity into 2011. But no worries there...I'm already making an effort to make sure that happens! :)

If you know me personally, you know this has been a trying year for me. I won't begin to list the reasons why- but if you know me, you know this has been one of the hardest years, if not the hardest, for me and my family. I have learned so much about myself, life, love, and family.

I see the quotes on the cute signs at Ross. I hear the sayings. I've heard it time and time again: Family this, and family that. If you don't have family, you have nothing. Family is all you've got. Families are forever. Maybe it's because my family and I have had a very trying year, or maybe it's just a big 2010 fad, but I have not quit hearing about *family* this year. I'm not saying it's a bad thing- but it definitely got me thinking.

Family is your blood. Family is your siblings, your parents, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Family is who you spend the holidays with. But what about who you spend every other day with? My family has definitely grown this year, and so has my definition of family. The Lord has blessed me with some fabulous friendships this year, with friends I now consider family. I am amazed at how a friend can brighten your day, be there for you, and share in your moments of joy. The support I've been shown from my family this year has meant the world to me. I have not once taken it for granted because I know how friends change with the seasons at times. I am simply thankful for the family God has placed in my life this year, and hope that they continue to stay family for years to come. If not, that's life; that's understandable. I will look back on the times I have spent with these friends and smile because I sure enjoyed every minute! :)

That's another thing I've learned this year: Friends are here for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I am no longer bitter or sad about the friendships that I no longer have. I miss some of my old friends but realize that "life happens" and sometimes people simply go separate ways, for no reason at all. On the other hand, I am so so so thankful for those "lifetime friends" that I have. It means the world to me to have friends who are still your friends no matter how far away they live, or how busy their life gets. These are definitely part of the "family" mentioned above. :) God did not give me a sister {probably with good reason} but God has provided me with friends who I can definitely say "love ya like a sister" to and mean it!

What else have I learned in 2010?

Take advantage of a good sale. It won't always be there tomorrow! ;)
But don't buy something just because it's on sale.

I shouldn't always say what's on my mind.
But also, people can't read my mind- so I need to be informative at times.

Don't judge someone by what you've heard about them. Get to know someone personally. Making a new friend is always better than thinking not only negatively, but incorrectly, about a person.

And lastly....I learned to quit anxiously awaiting things because it is is based around God's time, and His perfect plan. It doesn't matter when I think I want or need something, but only when God believes I am ready to receive my blessing. There is nothing I can do to fast forward life to an instant blessing. Sometimes it takes time, and lots of it- but with that time comes learning experiences and life lessons for the future. And for that I am thankful.

I am also *very* thankful for these sweet moments I will not forget....2010, you weren't such a bad year.

Food for thought: Forgiveness

Then Peter came up to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I'll tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." -Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness has really been a key issue in my life lately. I go back to this verse when I am feeling defeated by others, contemplating forgiveness. I am human! I sin! I sometimes have to THINK about forgiving people, wondering if they are worthy of my forgiveness, time, and emotion. I have to remember that the exact wording of this verse is very important: I must forgive my brother (everyone) when they sin against me. Sometimes I get so bogged down because "people" aren't doing the right thing. I get mad when others make stupid choices, causing grief for those closest to them, myself included at times. I take it all personally. I've even been known to hold a grudge or two in my time {believe it or not, HA!} My thought process is flawed because simply: I am human. However, I can not use my "humanness" as justification for continuing to live in sin. I can and should only forgive those that have sinned against me. If others are sinning against others or against God, I need to pray for them. I should not take it personally or hold a grudge. If I do, then *I* am the one needing forgiveness! They have not sinned against me, therefore, forgiveness from me is not needed. {Gosh I hope my rambling is making sense.}

This passage really opened my eyes...

1 John:
1:5: This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives.

2:1: My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him.

This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

That pretty much sums it up for me. One thing I can say for myself is {as you can also see above} I have never claimed to be perfect. I will shout it from the rooftops that I am NOT perfect! I am far from it actually and like everyone else, have my good days and have my bad days. Lucky for me, I am saved by the love and grace of Jesus Christ. The passage above reminds me that because I am a Christian, and have accepted Christ as my Savior, then when I do have my "bad days," my heavenly Father goes to bat for me. He speaks to HIS father on MY behalf, asking that I be forgiven. What an amazing thought! What an amazing thing! What an amazing Savior I have!

Forgiving one another is the hardest thing to do and the most beneficial. As God's chosen people we are to forgive all {did you hear that? ALL} grievances we have between one another because of the example set forth to us by Christ.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. -Colossians 3:12-14

and lastly....

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings. -Mark 11:25-26, Amplified

This is why it is SO important and beneficial for us to forgive. Jesus can not do us that mighty favor by going to bat for us when we have our bad days if we have hate in our hearts, if we are holding grudges, if we are choosing to not forgive someone, for anything, no matter what. As 1st John says, if we are living in Him, we must walk as Jesus did (forgivingly). I personally do not want to sacrifice MY forgiveness, at the cost of living a life full of hate. Doesn't make sense at all to me why anyone would.

If you are choosing to hold a grudge, not forgiving someone, for anything, reconsider. The price is far too high and not even close to worth it, especially when you think about how trivial some of your grievances are. Let your light shine! Do not choose to be held captive in the darkness for another minute.

It's never too late
to turn everything around.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

This morning in Sunday School, we were blessed with a really good lesson.

The lesson was about what you consider rich, and always wanting more, even though there are people who live on FAR FAR FAR less and there will always be someone that has MORE than you, and what the Bible describes as being truly rich. But that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.

In discussion after our video we watched, one of us mentioned how we, as humans, think that we should treat people how they treat us. An eye for an eye. If someone's mean to us, be mean back. If someone's nice to us, be nice back. You get the jist....

But, not as humans, but as Christians, we should NOT give an eye for an eye. As Gandhi said,

" An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

Matthew 7:12 says, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." 

It doesn't say do to others what they do to you. It is saying that we should treat people the way we WANT to be treated, no matter HOW they treat us! 

I was personally convicted by this statement this morning. I am definitely guilty of this. I try my hardest to be nice to everyone, at first. If someone is rude to me, or does something against me, I'll give them another chance. I'll turn the other cheek. However, after a while, if it continues, I am quick to write someone off. This does did not bother me because I only want to surround myself with those who lift me higher. I do not want to continually bother myself with those who are rude to me, etc. I do not consider it a loss, but my world a better place.

How UN-Christian of me is that?!?! It is probably the rudest people, or people that are the most rude to me, that I should be being an example to the most. Now, let me say, that I do not approve of being a doormat. I am simply saying to not give up on people. I am saying that instead of turning around and walking the other way, avoiding certain someones, or holding anger in yourself... say hello! Give a compliment! Ask how they're doing! It's the least you could do, and maybe all that's necessary. Nothing will be solved if you have a "let's see who can be the rudest the longest" competition. 

My prayer for myself and for everyone else is that we will quit holding grudges, quit being rude to one another on purpose, and learn to let things go. People who say they "don't like drama" are usually the ones who are surrounded by drama the most. FYI: there is one common denominator in all your failed friendships, in all your "dramaful" relationships. And that is YOU! Figure out why, and work to fix it! {and I am saying this to myself as well, don't you worry....} 

After having this conversation in Sunday School this morning, I definitely became aware and convicted, and have already tried working on it! It'll be a life-long effort, but one that's worth it! Life is too short and you weren't meant to hold on to that petty anger anyways. Be free! Free yourself!

Alcoholics Anonymous

My friend Jessica and I went an AA {Alcoholics Anonymous} meeting tonight. It was for our Addictions class we're taking. We have to write a paper on our experience observing an AA meeting. Well, anyways, it was {obviously} my first time going to an AA meeting, and let me tell you, it was quite the experience.

It was so hard for me to see the people in attendance there. Yet, I was so proud of them for trying. There were people there {I'm guessing here..} ages 20-60. You could definitely see the age in some of them. You could see the effects alcohol had had on their lives. I am willing to bet that a lot of them are not as old as they look. The consequences of alcohol have definitely taken a toll on all of their lives- physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually...and you can tell.

I want to applaud all of the people there- anyone who received their white chip tonight, symbolizing their first 24 hours being sober {from what I understand, you aren't "sober" until you come and admit you're an alcoholic}, or anyone receiving another colored chip, symbolizing a longer period of sobriety. Alcoholism is something that completely controls your every fiber. It takes a person being beaten down so incredibly much for them to even begin seeing that there might be a problem. So, again, I applaud everyone there, working hard to make their sobriety their top priority.

I heard something tonight that got me thinking. The speaker said that he heard someone say that their sobriety was their absolute top priority in life, and they said it sitting beside their wife. Honestly, if I was married to an alcoholic {and FYI: you're an alcoholic for the rest of your life. You don't become an ex-alcoholic. You just are sober.} then I would want my husband's top priority to be his sobriety too. If being sober isn't your top priority, there will come a time when you will relapse. It's as simple as that. When you are sober, because you made sobriety your top priority, then everything else has the ability to fall into place. So, I had never thought of it that way before, but, I guess it surprisingly makes sense.

Something I thought about on the way home was this:

Just because you drink every day, doesn't make you an alcoholic.

Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you aren't.

I have gained a life experience tonight by attending this AA meeting and I will pray for the ones I met tonight and also everyone else in attendance I didn't get to meet. One particular prayer I am praying for them hits me on a personal level. I'm sure there is someone, somewhere, that is angry at them, not speaking to them, holding a grudge, or may even hate them because of what they have let alcohol do to their lives and to the lives of others. I pray that those people see these alcoholics trying, staying sober, and struggling to make a change in their lives. I pray that these people will be given a break, and given another chance. We all deserve another chance. And if world will treat them no differently drinking or sober, then what motivation does that give them to want to change? That's just something to think about...

You learn something new every day.

I have learned a lot here in the past week or two:

I have learned lately that when you forgive, you're not doing someone else any favors, but you're doing yourself a huge one!

I've learned I can get a lot done with the TV off.

I've learned that a clean home is a happy home.

I've learned that people actually read my blogs, and my posts on TMTGYTYD. I've also learned that that makes my heart smile! :)

I've learned that true friends can pick up where they left off after a long time of letting life get in the way.

I've learned that sometimes it's best just to end an argument with an ignorant person by ignoring their comments until they stop commenting. Otherwise you could be arguing for a loooooong time and get absolutely no where when you are "finished."

I've learned that my grandparents are awesome. and so is my Mom. {but I kind of already knew that}

I've learned that two people can see the same situation two completely different ways, and no one be wrong.

I've learned that some people are just meant to be in your life for a short while, for a specific purpose.

I've learned just because you're not best friends with someone anymore, doesn't mean you don't wish them the best and love them as a person.

I've learned that no matter how down in the dumps someone is, you can not help them if they are not willing to help themselves.

I have learned that Hank Baskett is an absolute doll and any woman would be extremely lucky to have her husband/boyfriend talk to and treat you the way he does Kendra. It really made me cry tonight! I'm rooting for those two.

I've learned that I need to clean my closet out and donate alllllllllll the stuff I NEVER wear!

I've learned that I feel prettiest with a tan.

I've learned that I have absolutely no idea what my future holds- but I KNOW WHO holds it and because of that, I am not worried!

I also learned I need a part-time JOB for the summer. If you know of anything in the Lincolnton/Hickory area, let me know! ;)

Layla Grace

A Facebook friend of mine posted a link to a blog a couple weeks ago. Out of sheer curiosity I clicked the link and became obsessed!

Meet Layla Grace....

You can find more info on Layla at http://laylagrace.org/ but, I feel I must share this story with you.

Layla, this precious little girl was described as a great eater, great sleeper, and a sweet little cuddle monkey who had an advanced vocabulary for her age. Her mother writes that she had a great 15 month checkup but at around 16 months Layla's sleeping and eating habits changed and she became more irritable. Time passed. Her parents thought they had a picky eater on their hands. A ear infection was said to be the blame for a swollen eye Layla woke up one morning with, and her hard and distended belly was treated with medication for constipation. After another weekend of no dirty diapers, she was referred to a GI specialist who ran some tests.

Layla has a massive cancerous tumor (Stage 4 Neuroblastoma) in her abdomen. It extends from above her left kidney, around her side, over her belly and wraps around her aorta. In addition, the cancer is in her bone marrow. Sweet little Layla went from normal happy and healthy to lethargic, in pain, and skin and bones in a matter of a week and a half.

Frequent updates on Layla’s status can be found at http://www.twitter.com/laylagrace.

The Marsh Family can be reached at: fightforlayla@gmail.com.

Now, I do not share this story with you to depress you. I do not share this story with you to scare all the new mothers out there who happen to be reading this blog. If you have some spare time, take the time to read the blog Layla's mother is writing. Of course she is not choosing to blog over spending her dying daughter's last moments with her. Layla sleeps a lot and her mother is finding a way to pass the time, vent, express her emotions, and update the CRAZY amount of people and celebrities who have been following Layla's story. Sometimes I think posting information that is too personal on Facebook is at times inappropriate, but I recently learned that sometimes Facebook, email, blogs, and Twitter can sometimes be the best way of communicating with a large group of people. Just imagine if Layla's mother had to personally update each person on Layla's condition each time she was asked. Thank you, Lord, for technology! And I know that blogging really at times is a form of venting. It's free therapy! (if it's working!)

Yesterday Layla's mother wrote this:

My relationship with God has grown so much the past few months. That is all Layla’s doing. I’m so grateful that I was blessed with this angel on earth. She has taught me patience, faith, strength, grace and love. She has continued to amaze me over and over again.

 And that is why I am sharing this story with you. This is probably one of a family's worst nightmare stories. I could see this emotionally scarring a person, a mother, for life. I could see this depressing her beyond belief.  I could see this causing so much anger and hatred for God in her heart that she never turns back to Him again. I can see how some would say "God is not answering her prayers" and "God is letting this innocent little girl die." But WOW! This mother is taking one of the worst things a mother would ever have to face, and is letting it bring her CLOSER to God!

She also posted this verse yesterday:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

-2 Corninthians 4:7-12, 16-18

On February 28th, her mother wrote:

Still, we kept praying expecting a miracle. Never give up hope, that’s our motto. God doesn’t bring the bad, he brings the good. But we knew in the back of our minds that it might be part of God’s plan for her to return home to Him. It’s not too much of a stretch to believe that God’s work with Layla here on earth is nearly complete.

 She has the right idea! She is being an example of true FAITH to us all! You never ever ever give up hope, and give your life (and the life of your children) up to God, trusting that whatever He chooses, life or death, peace or pain, will be a part of His perfect and pleasing will, giving glory to Him! I know she's struggling. But her testimony is and will be so powerful! She is a hero of mine! And not only her, but all of the people who are in pain and still find a way to trust that God has a plan and whatever it may be, you're happily along for the ride!

I know that Layla Grace is not the only child suffering from cancer. I know that her mother is not the only person that is being a great example of someone who has TRUE faith in the Lord. This site and story was simply brought to my attention, and I felt the need to share. I hope it touches your heart and teaches you the many lessons it has seemed to teach me lately as I've been reading. I will continue to pray for Layla and her family as they go through these last days, and also for her family as they cope with the loss of their daughter. However, God performs miracles everyday (so don't think I'm giving up hope!)

http://laylagrace.org/

Follow Layla on Twitter

Update February 2015: I believe the website is no more and the Twitter account looks like it is no longer being updated. Praying that the family has coped well with the loss of their beautiful daughter and that the Layla Grace Foundation is a success. 

Reflecting on 2009

Where did 2009 go? Man it flew by! I say that...but a lot happened in 2009! I learned so many things this past year. I probably say that every year, but, I DO mean it! :) I was also blessed tremendously in 2009. Looking back, I can't even begin to tell you all the things God did for me. (But, I'll try!) First and foremost, God's timing could not be more perfect! I can not express how lucky I am to have had Him place Alex back into my life, for good! I am (still) so in love with that man of God & I can not wait to see what 2010 has in store for us! Alex graduated in May and has been searching for a job at least since then! He's been unsuccessful in finding a job and I am so proud of him. He keeps his head up and has the most positive attitude. He knows that God has something perfect for him out there and it's only a matter of time before He presents Alex with that opportunity. Until then, God has provided various odd jobs for him to provide him some gas money at least! That boy comes to Hickory ALL the time and I am SO appreciative!! During this time though, Alex has searched after the heart of his Father and has dove into the Word of the Lord and boy does it show! I am on a daily basis proud of the man he is, and the man he is turning into. I do believe that with the help of the Lord, people CAN change. As you all know, Alex & I have had our ups and downs, times together and times apart. Throughout it all, I've learned to stay true to your heart and that (how cliche is this?) "if it's meant to be, IT WILL BE." Either way, the past is in the past now and 2009 was a great year for us, and again, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for us!

Now, if you know me, you know that I have to make that money! I do not have the luxury of being able to take "time off" or anything of the sort. Bills have to be paid, right? The Lord has always been successful providing me employment and 2009 was NO exception! It all started in JANUARY and by the last week of JULY, the Lord has answered my prayers!! It was stressful but I learned that I need to stay faithful and the Lord WILL provide! In the mean time, God provided me temporary jobs to pay the bills & gain some learning experiences! I am very appreciative of all the people that prayed for me during that time. It obviously helped! I have never loved a job more!

Meet my staff! I think this pic is such an exact replica of our personalities!

 and meet my fellow RDs:

And lastly, learning experiences...I mentioned those, right? They definitely were a definitive part of 2009 and I will be forever grateful for those as well! I won't go into what all I learned, but I can tell you that I will take everything I learned from the beginning to the end of the past year and use it in the upcoming year(s).

I don't believe in New Years resolutions. If I ever made them, they didn't work out. I just want to work on making this year & every year after that better! My first Facebook photo album of the year is titled, "making 2010 the best year ever.." & that's simply what I'm doing! I'm going to do some prioritizing, some sifting, and work on devoting my time & energy into what helps me do that. I'm focusing on God, my family, Alex, & my true friends. If I do that, everything else will fall into place. I'm sure of it. :)

I've Learned:

I've learned
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is
be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.


I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.


I've learned -
that it's a lot easier
to react than it is to think.

I've learned -
that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -
that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned -
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.

I've learned -
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be
if they believed it.

I've learned -
that your family won't always
be there for you. It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned -
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -
that it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I've learned -
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned -
that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want to.

I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put
the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned -
that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I've learned -
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned -
that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -
that although the word "love"
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -
that it's hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

copyrights to: Kathy Kane Hansen