Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Everything rides on hope now....

I'm not trying to get too personal, but tonight was a really really really bad night for me. I cried out of anger. I cried out of pain. I just got plain mad. I cussed. I got quiet. I just sat. I stared into the deep dark hole that I was in. I didn't want to move. Or drive. {Unlucky for me I still wanted to eat. I hadn't had supper yet and it was getting late. I wish I was one of those girls that when they got upset, they didn't eat. I'll never be one of those girls.} I complained...on and on and on. I think I listed everything NOT going right in my life, not going to my plan. Around 7:45pm I left for the library to study for tomorrow's bigger-than-ever test, and three hours later, I had never made it in the library, and I was headed home to eat McDonald's and stand in a very hot shower. {Please note studying had not occurred yet, and again, bigger-than-ever test tomorrow.}

Side note: Lord, thank you for Alex. During all of those things I listed above he was there, sitting on the other side of the phone, not knowing what to say, but trying really hard (I think, or at least I will give him credit for). He knew he was as helpless as I was/am in these situations, so he just sat, and listened. Then the Lord provided him with something really awesome to say, so, thanks God, and thank you Alex.

It was one of THOSE nights. You know what I mean. We all have them.

I guess I should have known it was coming, but I didn't see it coming, so tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit hard and it hurt. I still don't have any answers. I still can't control anything or anyone in my life.

All I can do is PRAY and HOPE. That's it. Literally. Alex and I tried tonight to think, of anything, possibly anything that could be done. We have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Jesus Christ is literally all I have. All that's forever. All that's unconditional. He is the reason for the unexplainable hope in my heart tonight, because the Lord knows that if I was looking for it tonight, it was out of sight.

Please know that I'm not being selfish. Of course I'd like to know when I'm going to get married, heck or when I'll be engaged, or where I'll be working in August, IF I'll be working in August. I wish I knew what the future held, but I don't. There's no way for me to know. But that's not what I wanted tonight. Tonight I wanted RIGHT. I wanted people to make good choices. I wanted the right things to be said and for things to go the way the SHOULD go, not the way necessarily that *I* want them. {However, it just so happens that I want what's right}. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so. But apparently it is, right now anyways.

Things, vices, situations, and other people effect people's lives so much to the point that they're in a season of their life where doing what's right isn't what's top priority. Don't get me started on what their priority is... just know, it isn't what's "right."

I wonder, how long will God make me endure this? What's his reasoning for it? Maybe it's to bring me closer to Him. Maybe it'll go on forever. Maybe it's meant to go on forever. So what then? Will I be this sad and upset forever? God says no. I trust that He'll provide me the strength, people, love, and resources to get through this time, no matter how long it lasts.

I seriously don't know how anyone gets through anything without God.

This song popped into my head tonight and God's eyes crossed as I sang it in the shower. It really was my heart song tonight {Happy Feet reference}. Oh, how I love it...

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. I love this version compared to the actual music video's version, which is why I'm showing this version instead. If you haven't heard it, go ahead and press play...

I am going to bed less sad, loved by and very thankful for my boyfriend, more hopeful, and faithful that God will get me through my test tomorrow. There's no way it's not God lifting my spirits, no way in the world.

1 comment:

  1. you should know (and probably already do) that one of the devil's biggest tools is discouragement... as soon as i learned that, i quit letting myself be discouraged with the job search... and the next week--i was offered a job! the power of prayer works, you know that! just keep your head up and don't like stuff get you down! : )


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