Monday, June 4, 2012

30 Blogs in 30 Days: Day 6: The hardest thing I've ever had to experience

Day 6 of 30 Blogs in 30 Days: Tell about the hardest thing you ever had to experience.

This is hard for me. I've been through a lot in my life but it's hard for me to say what was the hardest. I don't like to grade my trials and tribulations on a scale of one to ten, and I don't know that I've even ever experienced a "ten." The therapist in me is reminding me {to remind you} that not everyone's "ten" is a "ten."  Some people's "fives" may be others' "tens." Some people, myself included, have been blessed to be able to say that their life could be worse. We all could really say that, but some days, I know some things are harder for others.

Side note: Did any of that make sense?!?! I just took a Benadryl {or two} and am feeling it right about now. Maybe you can tell? Anywho...

The hardest thing I've ever had to experience?

Hmm... well, it was probably when my brother lost his eyesight beginning in August 2009. {How's that affect me, you ask?} Well it was a super hard time for my family. And my brother affects me, as does my family. My parents were still together, which often times made things more difficult if you wanna know the truth. And seeing my brother go through all he went through was tough on me as a sister, especially when he took things out on me.....

Time out: I know my brother doesn't read my blog. And this is personal. And I'm choosing to share this. If he finds out what I said, so be it. If he gets mad, that sucks. But I'm trying to honest, and I hope others respect that.

.... That was probably the toughest thing. I tried my little heart out to help him in any way I could, and he was so hurt and mad at the world that he took it out on me any chance he got. You couldn't talk to him. You couldn't question anything he was doing. You couldn't provide him suggestions. And you dang sure couldn't suggest he was doing anything wrong. My brother didn't talk to me for probably a year or more. I mean he did, but as needed, and it wasn't ever good conversations.

I like to think that phase is behind us. But my family going through all we went through, as a unit, and individually as well, was not a great time for the only two siblings to be upset with each other. I think know he was mad at me, and I was mad at him for being mad at me {!!}. And I would try, and he would get mad, and I would get upset, and I would swear off ever helping him again. Until he needed something. Or I saw a way to help. {Enter that unconditional love} I would always go back to my brother, helping him in any way possible because I know that's what God wants us to do for EVERYone and I am sure He knew my brother needed me. And I'm sure He knew I could help. And I'm sure that He saw things so far down the road {today & in the future} that what seemed to be a big deal, wasn't. But that cycle of being mad/sad, getting over it, just to set myself up to get mad again wasn't getting me anywhere. And it sure the heck wasn't helping anything.

I just prayed and prayed and prayed that God would heal my relationship with my brother. And I think step by step, day by day, God is doing that. I say God because after everything that's happened {to us and between us} that the only way my brother and I can have a healthy, loving, sibling relationship is by God. I knew God would do His thang to make it happen. And He is. Slowly but surely :)

Pat's senior prom ~ Spring 2009

Pat's High School Graduation ~ June 2009

June 2011 at my cousin's wedding :)

Click here to read more of my 30 blogs in 30 days. 

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